From: RaValliano@aol.com Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 21:26:36 EDT Subject: Eleventh Hour by Rachel Anton Title: Eleventh Hour (1/11) Author: Rachel Anton E-mail: RaValliano@aol.com (note: if anyone has tried to contact me at this addy in the past few months and hasn't gotten a response, I AM SO SORRY!! I was having trouble accessing my account for awhile and aol eventually just started erasing my messages so I might have missed a few. Should be all better now though.) Rating: NC-17 for cussin' and sexin' Category: S, R Keywords: MSR, angst, kinda sorta an x-file, pre x-files Distribution: Anywhere with my name and e-mail Disclaimer: Anybody you recognize doesn't belong to me. Summary: Some feeling defy the confines of time. Author's notes: This story deals with time travel in a completely illogical and scientifically inaccurate way. Scully would shudder at this. It's about feelings people :) Also, this story has a lot of parts but I promise they are all relatively short. Acknowledgments: Thanks to Laura for tireless and fearless editing and for thinking of the title! And thanks to Amy for being there when this thing was an amoebae of an idea and for helping me make it grow. February 14, 2001 It's Valentine's Day. Never one of my favorite days but this one has to be the topper. The worst Valentine's Day in the history of a long line of crappy Valentine's Days. Just as every day in the past nine months has been the worst of it's kind. Yesterday was the worst February 13th. A month ago it was the worst January 13th. And so on. Yes, it's been 9 months. Almost. In two days it will be 9 months. I haven't written or spoken of this, or anything really, to anyone. Not yet. This is the first try. My court appointed therapist tells me that if I write it will help. That if I let a little bit of it go, the nightmares might abate, I will eat, I will speak. I don't believe her. Nor do I care. I will try this though, if only to appease her, to make her stop coming to me every day. If she thinks I am making progress, maybe she will leave me alone. We were on a case. It was pretty run of the mill for us. Murder. I can't do this. Okay, try again. We were on a murder case. There were certain irregularities in the corpses. God. Fuck it. Nobody cares about that shit anymore, least of all me. Suffice it to say we were on a case. We had a suspect and she went after him. To protect his next target. She put herself in a lot of danger. A lot. And she didn't tell me that she was going, she just went. Just ran off without a word on a hunch. A fucking hunch. Okay, she caught the guy, single handed. But I was pissed. I was really, really pissed. I know it's nothing I hadn't done to her a thousand times. Hypocrisy runs deep in my blood. I went to her hotel room to try to talk to her, to ask her why she hadn't told me. God was I pissed. She was too. She didn't understand. God, she never understood. I think maybe she thought she did, but she didn't, not really. I suppose my methods of getting the point across weren't too effective. I shook her. I actually shook her. And I made her cry. I yelled and I shook and I tried to make her see how scared I was and I made her fucking cry. I was just so tired. Tired of seeing her almost die. I know it's part of the job description, part of the risk. I accepted that risk for myself happily. I never accepted it for her though. And she was part of me. And it wasn't fair that part of me could run off without me and almost die without even asking me if it was okay. That probably sounds chauvinistic. She's her own person. That's what she told me anyway. I thought she knew that I couldn't live without her. I thought I had made that clear. I think she wanted me to tell her again. I think she wanted me to tell her why. I think I almost did. I think I was so close to it that I could taste it. It was time. We both knew that it was time already. Time to cut the bullshit and finish what we had started so many times. So many times that I wasted. But, as usual, something stopped us. This time it was a ringing phone. She shook her head when it rang. She didn't want me to answer it. Why did I answer it? I'm sorry. I'm so Shit, all right, here we go again. I am supposed to be writing her name. That's what the therapist said. I don't think I can. She gave me a pen and paper the other day and asked me to write it, just once. I couldn't. I scrawled out the shaky beginnings of an S and then just gave up. I don't even want to try now. Anyway, I answered the phone. It was the sheriff. He wanted me to come down to the station and fill out some reports. They needed me. That's what I told myself, and her. It was important. Always another important thing. She held her hand out across the door and told me I wasn't leaving until we finished this. I couldn't. I wanted to. I was so scared. Someone needed to get a statement from the killer's father. That was for her. I told her to do that. It was safe. It was easy. I thought I I can't do this. February 16 Well, I showed the shrink what I've written so far. Good progress according to her. Yeah, fucking great. Really. I am so proud. So, here we go. I told her to go. That's right. I demanded that she go. That she leave. She was being unprofessional, letting our personal problems take precedence over the case. I knew how to get to her, which buttons to push. God what a prick I was that day. What a frightened, frantic, nasty prick. She went. She went because I asked her to. It seemed like something simple to keep her busy for awhile. Maybe it would give her time to forget, to let this slide the way she usually let my emotional fits slide. I told her to go so that I could escape. Because I am a coward. Because I am selfish. No self-reproach. That's what therapy woman tells me. She wants me to write this without talking about what a waste of space I am, about how pathetic I am. She doesn't want me to write about the fact that it should have been me. How am I supposed to do that? She thinks if I can manage it they might take me off the suicide watch. I doubt that though. So, she went. She went to interview the psycho's father and I went to the sheriff's office. When I was there I couldn't think of anything but the look on her face when I picked up that damn phone. I knew I had let her down. Again. And I vowed to make it up to her. Someday, somehow. One day I would have enough courage to let this thing happen, to let her give herself to me. One day I would have enough faith in myself, be a good enough person to trust myself with her. I didn't even sense that something was wrong. I didn't even know. How could I not have fucking known? The call came in as I was getting ready to leave, ready to face her again. I remember hoping she was delayed, that I wouldn't have to see her for a few more hours. I didn't want to see her. God. I didn't want to face her. God. It was the hospital. Your partner's been hurt. Your partner's been shot. Shot in the head. Your partner is dying. I don't remember what I felt. I don't remember driving to the hospital. I swear I don't. I'm not trying to avoid writing about it. I honestly don't remember. I remember getting to the emergency room. I remember a woman, a nurse, talking to me. Telling me it was over, telling me she had "passed". That's what that motherfucking cunt said to me. "Sorry, she's passed." I didn't understand. Passed? Passed what? I just kept asking the nurse where she was, over and over. I didn't understand. It was like someone telling you the sun had exploded and wasn't going to be coming around anymore. It just doesn't make sense. Where did it go? When is it coming back? You just don't understand. Eventually a doctor came up to me and told me where she was. The morgue. She was in the morgue. Doing an autopsy, I wondered. No, she's passed. Same fucking thing. They wouldn't tell me where the morgue was so I went and found it for myself. I'd been to enough of them to know where to look. But when I got there, she wasn't there. There was just some guy in a lab coat and a bunch of drawers. I asked him where she was, what they had done with her. He pointed to one of the drawers and asked me to leave. But how could I leave when they had locked her in a drawer? I pulled it open and she was there. Looking back it's hard to fathom how I could have thought she was still alive. She was cold and blue. The side of her face was God, it was just gone. But I still didn't understand. Fuck it, I still don't. I still sometimes think that. I guess that's why I'm here. They tell me over and over that she's not. I held her lifeless body in my hands. I still cannot believe sometimes. I took her out of the drawer and I started to carry her out of there. She was naked, just like the last time they had taken her, and I covered her with the sheet she was laying on and held her close to my body. The lab guy called security I suppose because soon there were men with badges and guns everywhere telling me to let her go. I couldn't, how could I? I collapsed onto the floor, still holding her and cradled her in my lap. I tried talking to her, whispering in her ear, telling her I was sorry but she still wouldn't wake up. I slapped her. I slapped her beautiful face and she still wouldn't wake up. I didn't understand. I don't understand. Scully where are you? Scully. God. Scully. February 20th Shrink woman is very impressed with my progress. She wants me to show my entries to the group since I won't say a word to any of them. Fuck that shit. She's lucky I'm showing them to her. Despite my so called progress, I haven't been able to write for the past four days. After finishing my last entry I slipped into a semi-catatonic state for awhile. That's what they call it anyway. I dunno, I just didn't want to do anything for awhile. What the hell's wrong with that? Anyway, today I got bored with catatonia and decided to write a little bit. I'm supposed to talk about my "process" now. How I ended up here. I suppose it's needless to say that after the episode in the hospital I was deemed unfit for duty and removed from the bureau. Well, they called it an "extended vacation until such time as Agent Mulder has recovered from the death of his partner". We all knew what that meant though. I was gone for good. I didn't go to the funeral. Is that horrible? A lot of people think that it was. Her family was furious. Her mother made a special trip to my apartment to tell me I was a selfish bastard and ought to be ashamed for not showing up. She told me her daughter would have been very disappointed in me. She'd wanted me to deliver a eulogy. They didn't understand. How could I give a eulogy for someone who wasn't really dead. Yes, I still thought she was coming back at this point. I thought a funeral was a travesty. It was a hoax perpetrated by our enemies. They had taken her again and put some dead clone in her place so that I wouldn't look for her. I was absolutely certain that this was the case and wouldn't hear anything else for a long time. I looked for her. I didn't have the bureau's resources but I did what I could. Lots of people tried to talk to me at this point. I guess this is when I stopped speaking altogether. I just couldn't argue anymore. They all kept telling me she was dead and I got so tired of the sad, sympathetic look they'd give me when I told them that she wasn't. I didn't need their fucking pity. I still don't. Eventually I found the man that supposedly killed her. He was very angry about her arresting his son and apparently psychosis runs in the family. He disappeared for awhile after the shooting but I managed to track him down. I guess that's when it clicked. When I saw him I finally understood what he had done. He had killed her and she wasn't coming back. It was no surprise to anyone that I killed him. I think if that's all I had done I wouldn't even be here. One clean gunshot wound to the head. If that's all I had done I would probably just be in prison. Or maybe even free. There's a certain leniency in the system, a code that protects those who kill someone who has murdered a law enforcement officer. But that's not what I did. I guess you could say that I tortured him. I suppose that one could say that. I'm not interested in getting into the details. It's enough to say that he died a slow and painful death. And I don't regret it. At all. And if that means that I will never get out of here then so be it. I will never apologize. I will never have an ounce of remorse. Once it was done I realized that my one purpose left in life had been achieved and that it was time to blow this taco stand. I was so close. The gun was in my mouth, safety off, hand on the trigger. And then they shot me. Motherfucking cops shot my hand so that I would drop the gun. It took me a few months to get the use of my hand completely back. Dumb fuckers. It was none of their business. Why stop a man from killing himself only to put him in an institution for the criminally insane at the taxpayer's expense. What good does that do anyone? I'm sure someone could lose an election over that shit. After they shot me they took me to the hospital. They fixed my hand and then they arrested me. It was actually pretty funny. No one seemed to know what to do with me for a long time. I sat in a jail cell, staring at the wall for a few days. Then there was a trial. Skinner got me a lawyer. I guess he was a good lawyer. He wanted me to talk though. He thought if I could express my emotional distress to the jury they would be easier on me. I think my silence conveyed the message just as strongly. Anyway, it was pretty obvious to everyone involved that I was a mental incompetent. So they sent me here. And here I am still. xxxx Mulder dropped his pen and looked up nervously. Someone was reading over his shoulder, he could sense it. He turned around to the deranged visage of Crazy Larry. Larry was often likened to an uglier, scarier version of Hannibal Lecter. Everyone in the place was afraid of him except for Mulder. Mulder understood where he was coming from. Larry had lost his entire family in one night. His wife and children had been murdered right in front of him. He'd been a scientist before that. After the murders he'd turned into a professional lunatic. The men locked eyes and Mulder closed his journal protectively. "You're writing. That's good." Mulder rolled his eyes and looked away. "That's right, you don't talk. Well, that's just as well. I need to tell you something and it would be better if you didn't interrupt." Larry sat down beside him and Mulder got up to leave. The rec. room was giving him a headache anyway. All these noisy loonies. He preferred to go mad quietly thank you very much. "Wait! Don't leave. This is important. It's about your girlfriend." Mulder turned angrily back towards him. Girlfriend. Fucking asshole. Was that supposed to be some kind of fucking joke? She had never been his girlfriend. Larry saw his mistake and amended for it. "Or, whatever she was. The woman who died. The one you lost. I'm talking to you because I know you want her back. I know you'd do anything to have her back." Mulder just glared at the man and started to walk away again. Larry grabbed his arm. Mulder was starting to get extremely frustrated with the situation. Why was he tormenting him this way? "I know a way. I know a way that you can go back and save her. Isn't that what you want more than anything? To go back and change things so that she never died?" Bastard. Fucking bastard fucking with his head. "Isn't that what you lie awake crying silently to yourself wishing you could do?" "Fuck. Off." Mulder growled quietly. "Ah, we're not completely mute." Larry grinned. "I apologize if I've angered you. It wasn't my intention." Mulder wondered what the hell his intention was then. "It's just that I can see you're as desperate as I am. I want to help you. I assure you, I'm completely sincere." Mulder doubted that but he didn't really have anything else to do with his time. And if there was a chance, a one in a billion chance, he had to listen. How could he not? He sat back down and Larry smiled again. "Good. Good choice. I realize that you're going to think I'm full of shit. I completely understand. This is probably going to be the most implausible thing you've ever heard." Mulder seriously doubted that. "Before they brought me here I was working on a project with a colleague of mine. He'd always been interested in the prospect of time travel you see. I thought him a bit of an eccentric but when...well, when the unfortunate incidents occurred, I became interested, even obsessed with the idea. What if I could go back? What if I could change things? Make it so we'd never been in the house that night. A simple thing. Go to the movies, go anywhere. These tiny choices, sometimes they make all the difference." Larry grew silent for a moment. His haggard face took on a haunted look. One that Mulder recognized from the mirror. Tiny things. Don't leave. Don't let her go. Time travel. Mulder believed it to be entirely plausible. Hell, he'd seen it. He was surprised he hadn't thought of it himself. Change one small thing and your whole life is different. "When I was locked up I was afraid that the project would be aborted," Larry continued. "But my colleague continued the work. And yesterday he visited me with some very intriguing news. He's sent something back. Mind you, it's only a rat. But the possibilities seem to be endless." "Why are you telling me this?" Mulder asked. He was still suspicious of Larry's motives. "Because as I said, you seem as desperate as I am. I thought you might be interested." "Interested in what?" "Well, we've sent a rat. The next logical step is to attempt to send a man." Ah, there it was. Larry wanted Mulder to be a guinea pig in some twisted mad scientist routine. "The catch of it is, the rat's body is still here. It's, well, it's more or less dead." "More or less?" "Well, brain dead. The apparatus transmits the subjects mind, their essence, their soul if you believe in such a thing, backwards in time, into the body they once inhabited." This really was starting to sound like the most implausible thing Mulder had ever heard. It was almost laughable. "So, what happens to the old mind?" Larry shrugged in response. Great. That was just great. "We don't exactly have all of the kinks worked out. That's why we need you." Mulder laughed for the first time in nine months. It was the most ridiculous, idiotic thing anyone had ever suggested to him. And it was also his only chance. And besides his meaningless life, he had absolutely nothing to lose. end part one Eleventh Hour (2/11) Mulder woke up assaulted by a variety of pungent smells; dirty sweat socks, old pizza, spilled bong water, unwashed sheets. He had a strong sense of deja vu. The odor seemed strangely familiar. It bore no resemblance to the antiseptic institutional aroma he was used to waking up with. It also bore no resemblance to July 3rd of the year 2000. That's where he was supposed to be. That's where the ridiculous apparatus Larry had put on his head was supposed to have taken him. He wasn't there. And he wasn't here. Where was he? He opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a dump. An absolute pigsty. Worse than his apartment in DC on its worst days. He was lying in a small single mattress on the floor in the middle of a disaster area. A familiar disaster area. He remembered. It was his old room. His room in the house he'd shared with Mark and that other guy...Steven. That jerk Steven. It was the summer after he'd gotten his AB from Oxford. He'd been back in the States for summer vacation and he'd lived with Mark, his only friend from high school. Mark had been something of an outcast at Mulder's school. Almost as much as Mulder himself had been. Mulder had turned into himself for comfort and Mark had turned to drugs, crime and whatever other trouble he could get himself into. They'd gotten along quite well. Mulder had been thrilled when Mark decided to go to college. He'd always been bright if somewhat disturbed. So Mulder had decided to come and spend the summer with his old friend in his new college town. Steve was just some jerk Mark was friends with. The three of them had shared a house in Maryland for the summer. And that was where he was. That was actually where he was. That crazy motherfucker had been right. He was here. Granted here was about 20 years further back then he'd wanted but still, it was unbelievable. He jumped out of the bed and walked to the tiny mirror on the wall. Stupid bowl haircut. No gray hairs. No wrinkles. This was real. He was here. Or he'd gone even further off the deep end. Either way, it was 1982 again. He was twenty one years old. Again. And he wasn't going to meet Scully for another ten years. His momentary excitement gave way to a crushing disappointment when he realized this. He'd only wanted to go back a few months, just long enough to save her, to change that one day, not his whole bloody life. He felt suddenly and completely at a loss. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He didn't want to relive those ten years. They had been miserable. And if he changed even the slightest thing it might backfire and result in his never meeting Scully at all. But still, she was alive. If it was 1982 she was somewhere and she was alive. And that made him feel alive for the first time since she'd died. Even if he never met her in this life he would always know that she existed somewhere. And that was a marked improvement. He looked around the room for something to wear since he had woken up completely naked. There were clothes strewn everywhere but he wasn't sure how to judge which things were dirty and which were *really* dirty. Nothing was clean, that much was clear. He picked up a white T-shirt that was hanging from a chair and a pair of gray sweatpants that had no visible signs of filth on them and threw them on. It was time to go and face his life, no matter how tedious and frustrating it turned out to be. xxxxx Mulder found Mark in the kitchen cooking eggs. It was actually great to see his scruffy face again and Mulder almost felt like hugging him. That wouldn't have gone over too well though. "Morning, want some eggs?" Well, he really was here. Mark saw him. "Um, yeah, sure." He sat down at the kitchen table which was littered with beer bottles and potato chip bags. "So that was some party last night huh?" Party? Last night? Sorry Mark, last night I was in a mental institution. "Uh, yeah, sure was." "You must have a hell of a hangover man." He didn't have a hangover but he was starting to get a headache. Had he really lived like this? "Yeah, yup. Sure do." Mark placed a plate of scrambled eggs in front of Mulder. "Eat this. It'll help." Mulder dug into the meal and was surprised to find himself enjoying it. It was the first food he'd been able to taste since Scully had gone. "So, you psyched for that 4th of July party tomorrow?" Mulder smiled to himself. 4th of July. At least Crazy Larry had gotten the day right. He nodded in what he hoped passed for an enthusiastic way. He never really liked parties. Even then. He had gone to a lot of them that summer though, mostly to humor Mark. If he remembered correctly though, he hadn't gone to the one on the 4th of July. A horrible recollection set in and he suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. He had spent that particular 4th of July on the phone with Phoebe. Talking about her upcoming visit to Maryland. To him. Jesus fucking Christ. That was one thing he was going to HAVE to change. He couldn't bear the thought of two years with that woman no matter what. "It's gonna be great man, totally huge. Lots of freshmeat." Mulder grimaced. Freshmeat was Mark's loving term for freshman girls. He was starting to wonder why he had gotten along so well with this guy. He was a good person inside, Mulder knew, but on the outside he could be a little...crass. "Yeah, there's a pre-college orientation thing this weekend so there should be lots of innocent young ladies wandering about, waiting to be corrupted. Not that you should be thinking about that my man. I keep forgetting that you're taken." He was taken. Ugh. "Yeah well, I'm not sure how much longer that's gonna be the case." "What? She dump your sorry ass already?" "No, actually, I've been thinking about dumping hers." God that felt surprisingly good to say. "Excuse me? Where did this come from?" "I dunno, just something tells me that she's not the right person for me." And that was the understatement of the universe. "She's hot man." "Not really." No way. Mulder knew what hot was now and it was not Phoebe Green. "Well, that's cool. You should enjoy the party even more then." Mulder seriously doubted that. He was sure the whole thing would irritate him now more than ever. And he certainly wasn't about to go trolling for "freshet". But he would go. It wasn't like he had anything better to do with his time. xxxxx Dana was bored. There was no way of getting around it. She was at her first bona fide college party and she was bored off her ass. She absently took a drag off her cigarette, hoping it made her look like she had something to do. And that maybe, just maybe, it made her look older than fourteen. She glanced nervously around for her friend Rebecca again. Rebecca had dragged her here in hopes of meeting some of their soon to be classmates. So far Dana had met no one and Rebecca seemed to have abandoned her. There were so many people here. It seemed like the entire state was packed into this one tiny house. They spilled out onto the lawn and into the pool too. It was the biggest party Dana had ever been to. She found it all very intimidating. She was not generally the most social person in the world. She had managed to make a small group of friends in high school but that was all over now. Once again, she had to start over. At least she still had Rebecca. They had been friends for two years now and they had just moved into an apartment near campus. It was the first time Dana had lived anywhere but her parents house. Her family only lived twenty minutes away but it was still scary and exciting. Kind of like this party. Minus the exciting part. Dana took a swig from the plastic cup of Budweiser she was holding and told herself not to vomit. She was hoping if she managed to stomach enough of the vile stuff this party might get more interesting. Or at least seem to. So far she just felt nauseous. She was suddenly nostalgic for past nights spent with high school friends on the beach, or at someone's house, sitting around and talking about life and boys and other stupid things. That had been fun. Not like this. How was she supposed to get to know anyone in this zoo? How was she supposed to even introduce herself? She felt more lonely than she would have if she'd been alone. Someone bumped into her from behind, interrupting her musings. She turned around to face a large man with a chiseled face and bulging muscles. He looked wasted. And mean. He looked like someone Rebecca would like. But he wasn't Dana's type at all. "Oops. Sorry sweetie." Sweetie? Dana did almost vomit at that. "Hey you look kinda young to be drinkin'. How old are ya babe?" She tried to hide her grimace of disgust. At least someone was talking to her. Or rather shouting at her. "I'm eighteen." "Really? No shit. You look younger. So, you're legal then." He leaned in close enough for her to smell the liquor on his breath. He was starting to make her nervous. "Actually the drinking age is twenty-one in Maryland." Her new friend burst out laughing. "I wasn't talking about drinking babe, I was talking about fucking." Great. That was just swell. This was actually worse than standing by herself. "Um, look, I've gotta go, I see my friend over there so..." She started to walk away but the man grabbed her arm. "Wait babe, don't go, what's your name? My name's John." "Well John, I really have to go." She pulled her arm from his grasp and ducked behind another huge man. Everyone here was so damned big. Goddamn assholes. She was sick of this stupid party. She wanted to go home. If only she could find Rebecca. xxxxx "God this place is packed." "What?" Mulder raised his voice a few decibels to be heard over the din. "I said it's packed." Mark nodded and grinned. "Great huh?" Mulder smiled weakly. Great. Just great. He wanted to go home already. There were too many people and he was a tad claustrophobic. The music was deafening and the place smelled like smoke, stale beer and vomit. College party. Hooray. Mulder was still pretty happy about his accomplishment from earlier that day though. Phoebe had called as he had remembered to ask when he wanted her to come and visit. What a rare treat it had been to tell her that he didn't think she should come at all. That maybe, if he felt like it, he'd give her a call when he was back in England. She'd seemed more shocked than crushed. Her little puppy wasn't sniffing around her feet anymore. All in all it had been a delightful conversation and he was still feeling a little giddy from it. But not giddy enough to make this situation livable. It was worse than he even remembered it. He wished that Scully were there. They would have spent a few minutes laughing at the drunken morons and then slip off to some quiet restaurant. Maybe watch the fireworks in the park. He sighed sadly. Scully was years away. He had this to deal with first. He started looking around for the keg. There was no way he'd live through this night without at least a drink or two. He waded his way through throngs of people and eventually found the kitchen. There were a bunch of guys standing around the keg having a belching contest. Lovely. He got himself a drink and stood against the wall, observing the frantic activity around him with disinterest. Some people were dancing. Others were shouting in each other's ears, trying to communicate he supposed. Some people were just collapsed on couches in chemically induced stupors. "Get a load of that one." It was Steve. He was pointing rudely out the kitchen doorway at what Mulder could only assume was a piece of "freshmeat". He glanced in her direction. She was pretty in a traditional sort of way. The sort of way Mulder might have been bowled over by before he met Scully. She was tall with long legs, long curly brown hair, lots of makeup, and skinny as a rail. Yeah she was his type all right. Back when he'd had a type. But he was more intrigued with her friend. She was talking to a smaller girl whose head was turned slightly away. He could tell she was pretty though. She had long wavy red hair that hung almost to her hips. She was wearing baggy clothes which only served to accentuate how tiny she was. She looked very young. Too young to be drinking that beer and smoking that cigarette nervously. She also looked very unhappy. She seemed to be telling her friend something urgent. Probably that she wanted to go home. It was certainly a sentiment Mulder could relate to. She was cute. There was something about her. He couldn't stop looking. "Pretty hot huh?" "Which one?" "Which one? Are you kidding? The babe not her little sister dude. Man you're sick." Mulder shrugged. Maybe he was. Then she turned. She was walking angrily away from her friend, or big sister, right in Mulder's direction. And he saw her face. And he saw her eyes. And he died. And he was reborn. It was her. God, it was her. He was paralyzed. He couldn't move or speak as she stalked towards him. He could only stare. Gape. She pushed through the crowd and eventually past him. She seemed to him to be moving in slow motion even though she was probably walking very fast. She brushed against him as she stormed away and fixed him with a ball breaking glare. The way he was looking at her must have bothered her. She scowled at him again and moved through the back door. And then she was gone. It was definitely her. And he had no idea what to do. Should he follow her outside? Try to talk to her? The very thought sent tremors of excitement through his whole body. But what if that screwed things up? What if he screwed things up? What if he destroyed her life all over again? For the first time he thought maybe he should just stay away entirely, save her from the misery of ever knowing him, let alone being killed because of him. He told himself to stay away. At least until it was time. But he knew that all the guilt, all the self-reproach in the world wasn't going to be enough to keep him away in the long run. He needed her. God how he needed her. And this time he would do it right. He would take care of her this time. No one was going to hurt her ever again. Including him. And as soon as it looked like he was hurting her, he would be gone, out of her life forever. He just wanted to talk to her. Just this one time. Just tonight. Just tonight. end part two Eleventh Hour (3/11) "Goddamn stupid party. Stupid fucking people." Dana worked her way through the crowded lawn, cursing this place, her life, and anything else that popped into her head. Eventually she found a quiet spot on the far side of the lawn. She was far enough that she could barely see the party and it was so dark there that no one could see her. She sat down in the grass and lit another cigarette. She was smoking way too much tonight. It seemed to be the only thing keeping her even remotely calm. For some reason as she sat there, her mind drifted back to the strange man she'd run into on her way out. He was the only person who'd even made the slightest impression on her in this hell hole. Maybe it was because he'd been staring at her like a lunatic. Or maybe it was his eyes. The way they seemed to penetrate her very soul. Or maybe it was just that he was damned cute. But he was here. He was at this party from hell and that was enough to make her hate him. But still, he was in her head and he wouldn't leave. He seemed almost familiar but she knew she had never met him. She would have remembered those lips. "Whatcha doin out here all by yourself?" She jumped, startled, and looked up. It was her new buddy John again. Jesus Christ. "I needed some SPACE." She said, hoping he would get the hint. "Oh, I gotcha, sounds like a good idea." He sat down next to her, not getting the hint. John was not too bright apparently. "Actually I was thinking I should get back. I'm sure my *boyfriend* is looking for me." She laughed to herself just saying it. Boyfriend. Right. "Boyfriend huh? Now why don't I believe that?" "I don't know John but you should. He's a marine and he gets really jealous. He wouldn't be too happy to find you out here with me so..." He grabbed her arm. Tight. Too tight. "Yeah, okay, your marine boyfriend. Why don't you just drop the bull and sit here with me. I won't bite. Unless you want me to." She pulled at her arm but he had a steel grip. He wasn't going to let her go. She felt a panicky feeling start to rise in her chest and told herself to calm down. She could handle this. She could handle anything. "C'mon babe. Don't play hard to get. What are you shy?" "I'm not shy and I'm not playing anything. I'm not interested so just let me go." She realized she was starting to sound frantic. She needed to get control back. She tried to stand but he pulled her back down and pushed her to the ground. He was so big, so much bigger than her. Her brother Bill probably wouldn't have been able to take him. How was she supposed to? She felt the burn of tears beginning in the back of her throat. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't let him see her cry. But he was on top of her. He was on top of her and he was so heavy and she couldn't breath and he was kissing her. God, he was kissing her and he was disgusting and huge and she felt the tears start to fall despite her efforts. He had her pinned to the ground, his hands holding her wrists and she knew what was coming, she knew what was going to happen to her. There was no one to help her, or even hear her if she cried out. She was alone. He started to touch her more forcefully and grind his body against hers and she used the one weapon she had, her teeth. She bit down on his lip, hard enough to draw blood. But this only seemed to make him angrier. He freed her wrist long enough to smack her across the face and rip open her blouse. She wished she had a gun. She wished she had a marine boyfriend. She wished she'd never come to this god awful place. And then she started to pray. xxxxx Where the hell had she gone? Mulder looked through the crowd on the porch, the lawn, the pool. He'd looked everywhere. She must have gone home. If she had he might never find her again. He needed to keep looking. He left the more populated area and moved towards the empty parts of the lawn. Maybe she'd come out here to be alone. If so she wasn't likely to be pleased to see him. But at least he could look at her. At least he could see her eyes, her life. That would be enough for now. He kept walking until he reached the outskirts of the lawn. He was far away from the party now and there was still no sign of her. Then he heard something. It sounded like a muffled scream. It sounded like a woman. He started running towards the sound but it was so dark. He could barely see where he was going. He was only a few feet from the fence at the end of the yard when he saw them. It was Scully. Scully and some guy. For a minute he was terrified that he'd come across an intimate moment and felt like a total jackass. The man was holding her down and she was writhing under him in a bra and jeans. He watched them for a moment, trying to judge the situation. It looked like she was struggling but she could have just been excited or something. He couldn't be sure. Then he heard her again. A tiny whimper. One word. No. "Get off her!" He grabbed the back of the guy's shirt with both hands and pulled as hard as he could and then delivered what he hoped was a strong kick to his middle section. It was enough to make him fall beside Scully. The guy looked confused for a minute. Then angry. "Hey buddy, mind your own damn business okay." He stood up to face Mulder and, he supposed, intimidate him with his height. Mulder was too furious to be intimidated. He balled his fist and hit him across the face. Blood shot out of his nose and Mulder hoped that he had broken it. Luckily the guy was so damned drunk he couldn't even hit Mulder back. He staggered backwards into the fence and Mulder grabbed his throat and pinned him against it. "I think it's time to go back to the party sport." "What the hell is your problem man?" "Do you want more of this?" Mulder demanded, using his free hand to belt the guy again. "I'll kill you I swear to God!" "Alright! Jesus." Mulder let him go and he staggered off in the direction of the house. Mulder turned back to Scully. She was standing with her arms crossed over her chest, giving him that same glare. He walked closer to her and touched her cheek gently. "Are you okay?" She jerked away from his touch. "I'm fine." Oh yeah. It was his Scully all right. He felt like dancing. He felt like screaming. He felt like pulling her to him and never letting go. His Scully. This had happened to her. And he hadn't been around the first time. How far had it gone? Had that man raped her? Why had she never told him? He felt like crying suddenly. Not this time though. This time he was doing it right. But why had she come out here with this jerk in the first place? He felt suddenly and inexplicably angry. Why was she always putting herself in danger like this? "Are you sure? You don't look fine." She really didn't. Her shirt was ripped and there was the beginning of a nasty bruise on her cheek. She was shaking and there were tears streaming down her face. "I said I was fine. I can take care of myself." "Can you?" "Look I was handling it all right. It's none of your business anyway." "Oh yeah, you were handling it great. Why the hell did you come out here with that asshole anyway? What were you thinking?" He regretted the words instantly. He was talking to her as if he knew her. Like he had some kind of claim on her life. The way he would have talked to her in their future. And even then it would have pissed her off. Now it positively infuriated her. "Excuse me? What the hell does that have to do with you? Who the hell are you? You're not my fucking father!" She started to walk away from him. It was the same thing. It was the same fucking argument. He wasn't going to let it happen again. He couldn't let her get away. Not like this. "My name is Fox Mulder. And you're right. And I'm sorry." She turned back to him. That was something. "Well Fox Mulder, for your information I didn't come out here with him, as you know because you were gaping at me when I came out by MYSELF. I came out here to get away from this goddamn zoo but it seems to have followed me so I'm going home." She turned haughtily on her heel and started walking back to the party. He ran after her and started walking beside her. "Wait!" "What?" she scowled. She hated him already. It made him sad but it also excited him. She was Scully. She was invigorating, frustrating, challenging. She was the same woman he'd fallen in love with. And she was here, alive. "How are you going to get home?" "I'm going to find my friend. She drove me here. Not that that's any of your business either." He couldn't help but smile. It was Scully. Scully, he had to stop calling her that. He wasn't even supposed to know her name yet. He needed to ask before he screwed up. "So, what's your name?" She stopped and turned to him. "Look, I am not in the mood for this all right?" "Is your friend that girl with the brown hair? I saw her before. She didn't look ready to leave." She sighed audibly and rolled her eyes. "Oh. I get it now. Her name is Rebecca and she's inside. I don't run interference for her so if you wanna talk to her go do it yourself." She stormed away from him again and he groaned at his own stupidity. Now she thought he was after her friend. What was he going to do wrong next? "No. No, I don't wanna talk to her. I just...I just wanna know your name. And to know that you're gonna get home all right. That's all." He looked into her eyes and prayed that she could see what was there, that she could feel the honesty, the connection. He prayed that she could trust him, that he hadn't lost that. xxxxx He seemed sincere. He seemed to be on the level. He didn't seem drunk. But Dana was still wary. How was she supposed to trust anyone at this place? He had helped her though. For whatever reason. Had he done it so that he could have her to himself and do the same thing? No. That just wasn't right and she knew it. Fox Mulder. He sounded like a spoiled little rich boy. Fox. Whatever. And what the hell was his problem? Acting like her father, acting like what had happened had been her fault. Condescending jack ass, that's what he was. That's what she told herself. Or tried to. It didn't really work. Fox was a cute name. And an appropriate one. He hadn't just been angry before, he'd been afraid for her. He cared. For some reason, he cared. "My name is Dana Scully and I have no idea how I'm going to get home tonight." He smiled at her and dammit he had a gorgeous smile. So sweet, so soft and warm. Damn him. "Well Dana Scully, I am truly sorry about the way I acted before." "No, I'm sorry. You...you helped me. And you're right. I needed it. So um...thank you." That had to be the hardest thing she'd ever said. She was rewarded by an even wider grin, and an even cuter one. She felt her stomach do a little flip flop at the sight. No. Not this guy. Not at this place. "So Dana Scully, you see your friend anywhere?" They had reached the party and there was no sign of Rebecca. She did see John though, sitting in a corner with his buddies, nursing his wounds. He hadn't noticed them yet but Dana was sure that there would be trouble if he did. Fox Mulder may have been able to kick John's ass but he wouldn't be able to handle a whole group of Johns. "No, I don't see her. And I kind of think we should get out of here." She gestured towards John and he nodded in agreement. "That would probably be a wise decision." He led her out of the house and to the front lawn. There were more people out here but she still didn't see Rebecca. "So Dana Scully, what do we do now?" Dana shrugged helplessly. "I dunno. God this is a nightmare." "These parties always are." Well, that was a point in his favor. At least he didn't actually like it here. "Um, yeah I guess. I mean, I don't really know. This is the first one I've been to." "Well, if you're lucky it'll be your last." She smiled for the first time all night. "So, where would you rather be Dana Scully?" "Um...ANYWHERE." He laughed. He had a nice laugh. Why did he have to have such a nice everything? Dana wasn't used to feeling so charmed so fast. "Seriously though, is there something else you'd rather be doing?" There were so many things. She didn't even know where to start. "I'd rather be home. I'd rather be curled up under a comforter with a good book. I'd rather be at the beach or the park watching the fireworks. Actually I'd love to be on a boat somewhere, watching the fireworks over the water." She stopped, suddenly realizing what a boring dork she probably sounded like. She tried to think of something more exciting to say but before she could he smiled sweetly at her and held out his arm. "Well, I don't have a boat but I've got a car. I can take you to the park and we can watch the fireworks. Or I can just take you home if you'd like." She regarded him skeptically for a moment. She should know better than to take a ride from a strange man. Especially after what had just happened. But somehow, somewhere along the line she had started to trust Fox Mulder. She didn't know why but it was a very strong feeling. He may be presumptuous and irritating but he wasn't going to hurt her. She just knew it. Besides, she couldn't really think of another way out of this besides walking the whole way home. An even more dangerous option. Still though, it didn't seem like the greatest idea. "I'd like to go home I think. But um, I can probably find another way. Thanks though." "Another way? Like what?" She glared at him. "Sorry, none of my business again. I just don't want you to be stuck. I'm a Jewish mother. I worry." He was adorable. And he was starting to crumble the last of her resolve. "How about this, how about I let you drive my car home. That way you'll be sure I'm taking you home and not to some deserted alley or something." He held out a set of keys to her. "And if I start acting like a jerk, you can drive us right to the police station. How's that?" That did seem okay. "Well, all right." His face lit up like a Christmas tree. Just for letting him drive her home. Why did he care so much? He better not be thinking he was in for more than the pleasure of her company. Although, the thought that he might want more sent an inexplicable tremor through her body. He led her to his car and she wasn't entirely surprised to see that it was a nice new shiny one. Probably cost a fortune. Spoiled little rich boy. She began running him down in her head again, trying her damnedest to get rid of that stupid tremor. She got behind the wheel and found that she had to move the seat about a foot forward to reach the peddles. She caught him smirking and gave him an icy glare. "I should warn you that I just got my license." He looked a little afraid but mostly amused. "Well Dana Scully, this should be quite an adventure then." end part 3 Eleventh Hour (4/11) Mulder was a little bit terrified. Scully was never much of a driver. She had always made him a little nervous. But this was downright frightening. So far she'd blown three stop signs and practically swerved off the road. He couldn't have cared less. He was with Scully. And he hoped that her apartment was far far away so he could spend as much time as possible with her. She was amazing. He was intoxicated with her all over again. He just stared at her for the first few minutes of the drive. Then he realized he should be talking to her, trying to grab a chance at seeing her again. Just tonight, his brain reminded him. Had that been bullshit all along? Probably. "So, um, do you go to the University?" He felt idiotic asking her a question like that. Of course he couldn't very well ask, do you love me yet? "Not yet, I'm starting in the fall. How about you?" "No, I just finished undergraduate at Oxford and I'm probably gonna start graduate work there in the fall." He noticed the corners of her mouth twitch down. She looked a tiny bit disappointed that he would be gone in a couple months. Just a tiny bit but it was definitely a good sign. "Oxford like England?" He nodded and she looked even sadder. Maybe he'd have to change his plans. "So Fox Mulder, what are you studying at Oxford in England?" He fought back an overwhelming urge to kiss her. "Psychology. How about you? What are you planning on majoring in?" She bit her lip and looked slightly bothered. And very beautiful. Mulder was alarmed to find himself growing more and more aroused. Not that this was any surprise. Talking to her had always turned him on. More than anything ever. "I'm not really sure actually. We don't have to decide till sophomore year so...I dunno, I've been thinking about marine biology." Marine biology?? He tried to mask his surprise. He wasn't sure what he had expected. It wasn't like he knew very much about this period of her life. In fact he knew next to nothing. He supposed he'd always just assumed she had known what she wanted to do right from the start. "That's, that's really interesting. What made you decide that?" It sounded safe too. Maybe he could talk her into sticking with that. "I love the ocean. And I love science." She paused and considered her response. "I haven't really decided though. Not entirely." "Well it sounds really great." She smiled uncomfortably and he dropped it. She obviously didn't like talking about this much. "So, where did you grow up? England?" "No, I grew up in Massachusetts, Martha's Vineyard." "Martha's Vineyard?" She smirked and arched her eyebrow. He could see what she was thinking. Pampered. Rich. Spoiled. He'd seen the look before. He'd forgotten what it felt like. He nodded somewhat guiltily. "What was that like?" "Fishy." She smiled, thank God. "What about you Dana Scully, where did you grow up?" "Everywhere. My dad is in the navy so we traveled a lot. Before Maryland it was North Carolina, and before that San Francisco, before that I think it was Seattle. I...I can't really remember what was before that. Never England though." "Wow, that must have been tough." He saw a flash of sadness cross her face and just as quickly it was gone. "It was fine." Of course it was. She stared silently at the road ahead of her for a moment. And then the inevitable change of subject. "So, what were you doing out there anyway? I mean at the party. Did you follow me out there or something?" This was not a subject he wanted to discuss. "Pretty narcissistic of you to think that Dana Scully, wouldn't you say?" She looked embarrassed and he regretted the stupid comment. When would he stop putting his foot in his mouth? "Actually, I went out for some air. I was getting sick of the party as I'm sure you can understand." "Sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I was just, well...I guess I was just curious," she muttered, seeming more embarrassed by the second. "It's okay. I was pretty accusatory myself back there. I really had no right. I'm really very sorry about that. What happened before...it wasn't your fault. You know that right?" She nodded absently, not appearing terribly convinced. "Honestly, don't blame yourself for someone else's stupidity. You didn't do anything wrong," he said, stressing the you in the statement. "Well, whatever. It's over. Thanks to you." She turned to him and smiled and his heart did a flip flop. "You sure it's over? I mean, are you gonna be okay?" "I'm fine. It was nothing. Really." Damn. She was pulling into an apartment complex. He needed to think fast before she was gone. Should he ask for her phone number? Give her his? That seemed so corny, so date like. But how else would he see her again? Should he even try to see her again? She stopped in a space near the building and undid her seatbelt. "Well Fox Mulder, it was nice to meet you." He was sweating, in a total panic. Don't go Scully. Don't go. "It was nice to meet you too. I um...I guess I'll uh...see you around?" She nodded and reached for the car door. She started to open it and he sat there like a moron while his brain screamed at him to do something. Anything. Then she stopped. She turned back to him. "You know, I'm actually not that tired anymore. I mean it's still early and it is the 4th of July. I don't really feel like I've gotten my holiday's worth." This was good. This was very, very good. "Do you, um...do you feel like coming in for awhile? I think I'm gonna watch the fireworks from my fire escape. Not too exciting I know but..." "Yes!" he blurted out idiotically. Calm down boy, he admonished himself. Jesus. "I mean yeah. I mean that would be really nice." She looked like she was trying not to laugh out loud. xxxxx Scully's apartment was very neat, very pleasant. Everything was organized and in it's place. There were even plants. Living ones. And real furniture. He thought of the dump he was living in and cringed. She went to her bedroom to change out of her torn clothing and he looked around the place a bit. He stopped at the bookshelf and perused her reading material. Melville, of course, Shakespeare, Joyce, lots of literature. Some science textbooks. Our Bodies Ourselves? The title jumped out at him and he picked it up and started leafing through the pages. It seemed to be some kind of manual for the female body. Very interesting. The section on masturbation seemed to be very well read. "Learning anything?" He jumped about a foot in the air. "I um...I was just ah..." He fumbled around with the book and eventually managed to get it closed and back on the shelf. "I didn't realize it was ah..." She stood in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest. She looked stern and serious. And not too happy with him. Then miraculously her face softened and she chuckled. Thank God. She was wearing a pair of black leggings and a gray sweatshirt. And leg warmers. Scully wore leg warmers. He felt a little less embarrassed when he noticed that. "Come on nosy face." She led him out to the fire escape which was surprisingly large and comfortable. She set up a few blankets over the rickety floor and there was room for both of them to stretch out and watch the fireworks. Not enough room for there to be more than a few inches between them though. It was perfect. They sat together for awhile in a comfortable silence looking at the lights in the sky. And each other. xxxxx Dana was starting to feel better and better. She had been very shaken by what had happened earlier but she had managed to put it almost completely out of her head by now. Fox Mulder was a comforting presence. She didn't know why but she was starting to like having him around. So much so that she'd taken a huge leap of faith and invited him in here. It certainly wasn't the smartest thing she'd ever done but she hadn't been able to help herself. It hadn't looked like he was going to ask for her number or anything and she'd been afraid that she'd never see him again. Letting him go seemed like a very sad thing to her. So now she was sitting with him on the fire escape, so close that she could smell him and she was starting to wonder what it would feel like to kiss him. She turned to him and found that he was looking right back at her. They both smiled shyly and he reached between them, taking the small cross she wore in his hand. She looked at him curiously, hoping he didn't think she was some old-fashioned religious freak. "This is pretty. Are you very religious?" "K..kind of. I mean I was. I mean...I don't really know actually." How did this guy know exactly what to ask to make her completely flustered? He smiled though, seeming to understand so she continued. "I was raised Catholic and I believed for most of my life but now, I'm just not sure anymore. I mean, sometimes I look around and I feel like there has to be a God because there's so much beauty in the world. And then other times, it seems like there's so much horror, how could God let it happen? And of course I can't ignore the conflicts between the traditional teachings of the church and the scientific facts that I know to be true. And politically, I find myself at odds with the church almost constantly. So...um, I'm really not sure." She finished with a chuckle. Poor guy had opened a real can of worms here. But still he seemed interested and understanding. "So, do you think there's an order to the universe or do you think things happen completely at random? I mean do you believe in fate?" He looked at her pointedly and she felt another annoying tremor. "Well Fox Mulder, I think those are two different questions. I do believe there's an order to the universe but the question of fate is an entirely separate issue." "Okay, good point. So, my question is I guess, do you believe in fate. Do you think there are certain things we're predestined to do, certain people we're predestined to meet, no matter what?" He was still holding her cross, turning it over in his fingers again and again. And the way he was looking at her, she was starting to believe in this fate he was talking about. "What exactly are you suggesting?" "I'm not suggesting anything Dana Scully. Just a simple question." "Well then, I'd have to say no. I don't think I believe in fate. I think we make our own choices and decisions and have the ultimate control of our destinies. I have to believe that. What's the point of even trying if everything's already been decided." She realized suddenly that they were both whispering. And that he was really, really close. "Okay, but don't you ever feel that things are, for lack of a better term, in the stars for you. Hasn't anything ever happened to you that made you think, wow, that was fate. That was more than a coincidence." His eyes moved over her lips and her throat felt very dry all the sudden. "Um...sometimes." Like now. "But still, ultimately I have to believe in free will. I mean..." She was interrupted by a loud crash from inside the apartment. He was immediately on his feet. "What the hell was that?" "I dunno." "Wait here and I'll check." He started to go inside and she followed him. "No way, I'm coming with you." He turned to her with a mixture of annoyance and amusement. "Of course you are." He opened the door to the apartment only to find Rebecca rolling around on the floor with some guy. They seemed to have knocked over a lamp in their activities, leading to the crash. "Steve?" The guy got off Rebecca and turned to face Fox Mulder. Apparently they knew each other. "Mulder, what are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" Rebecca stood up and brushed herself off muttering, "I think it's pretty obvious what we're all doing here." She gestured at Steve and introduced him to Dana. They shook hands awkwardly. "And you must be Rebecca. My name's Mulder." The two shook hands and Dana cringed at the way Rebecca looked him over. She waited for him to do the same thing back to her but he didn't. In fact he turned back to Dana. "See Dana Scully, fate. Your roommate, my roommate, see what I mean?" He whispered it to her and she smiled at what she realized was now their private joke. She liked that. "C'mon Steve, let's leave the kiddies alone." Rebecca took his hand and led him off to her bedroom. Dana couldn't understand how she could just sleep with a total stranger like that. Not that it was a surprise. It happened all the time. She suddenly felt very awkward. Was that what he was expecting from her? Had she given him that impression just by inviting him in? "So, um...is that what people call you? Just Mulder?" "Yeah, usually. I'm not too fond of Fox as a name generally speaking." "Is that what you want me to call you?" "If you'd like. You can call me whatever you want Dana Scully." "Well, if I call you Mulder, you've gotta call me Scully. Gender equality and all that." For some unknown reason this caused him to beam at her. "I can deal with that." end part 4 Eleventh Hour (5/11) July 17, 1982 I haven't kept a journal in years. When I was twelve I had one. Bill stole it and showed it to his friends. That was the last time. Even now I feel some anxiety about putting my deepest feelings down on paper, leaving evidence of what's inside me. But there's really no one who would bother stealing it now. And there is certainly no one I can truly talk to about this. No one who could ever understand. And I need to talk about it. I need to admit it, if only to myself. I'm in love. Wow. It sounds as stupid as I thought it would. Stupid but true. I am in love and it makes absolutely no sense. I met Mulder less than a month ago. We've never kissed, never even hugged, and yet I my love for him fills every moment of my being. The first night I met him, we spent hours talking. Just talking about everything and nothing, watching the sunrise from the fire escape, catching eyes, smiling at each other. When that night was over I knew, I love him. We've spent almost every single day together since then. We've been going to the movies, the park, for long walks and long talks. Sometimes we just stay at my apartment and watch TV and talk all night. I've never had a friend like this. I've never known anyone who I could share my quiet time with like this. And he actually enjoys it. He's not thinking about partying and who he's going to have sex with next constantly. He's thinking about philosophy and science and art and religion and...well everything! He's the smartest person I've ever known. And he doesn't just talk endlessly like most semi intelligent guys. He doesn't try to impress me with his huge vocabulary and knowledge of micro biology. He listens to me, really listens. Not just like a nodding idiot. And I can tell he's really listening because sometimes he will challenge something I've said, and we'll have a an argument, or a debate, and it's fun. It's actually fun. I've never enjoyed arguing with people before. I hate the conflict, the inevitable animosity. But with Mulder it's different. His ideas are so unusual, so different from mine, that it's exciting, invigorating to talk to him. Sometimes he teaches me and sometimes I teach him, but either way, we never walk away angry. Rebecca can't stand him. She thinks he's dark and disturbed. She just doesn't understand his sense of humor. She doesn't understand anything about him. She thinks he is strange and bad for me. I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks. He is wonderful. He is caring, sweet, funny, gorgeous, brilliant, and the best part is he has no idea that he is any of those things. Well, maybe he knows he's brilliant, he can be a tad arrogant about his mind. But he is adorably self conscious about EVERYTHING else. He makes me feel like there is no one in the world but the two of us. We can be in a room full of people and he will look at no one but me, talk directly to no one but me. He makes me feel special and loved just by being around him. Of course, I have no idea if I am loved. I don't know if he sees me as a good buddy, someone to hang out with for the summer, or if there is more. Sometimes he will touch me a certain way, throw a veiled suggestion at me, but he never follows through. I can never tell if he is serious or just kidding around with me. I would like to find out. He's leaving for England in two months and I need to know how he feels before he goes. I need to know if I will ever see him again. God, it kills me to think that I might not. It's ridiculous. I've known him two weeks and I feel like I can't live without him. Stupid stupid stupid. I keep telling myself he's just a guy, don't get hooked, don't get hurt, and I'm trying, really I am. But I trust him. With my heart even. How can that be? I have to stop writing now because he's on his way to pick me up. We're going into DC to look at the monuments at night. This is the kind of thing he actually likes to do. Unbelievable. xxxxx Mulder was happy. Happier than he could ever remember being. There had been times with Scully when he had been happy but they were fleeting. They never lasted. There was always some crisis or another to interrupt their few moments of peace. This was the longest stretch of uninterrupted happiness he'd ever had. He'd spent nearly every day with her for the past two weeks and they got closer every time he saw her. She was a little different because she was so young but her essence was the same. Beautiful, brilliant, and exciting as hell. The fact that he'd been able to gain her friendship and trust again was the best gift he could have ever received. He was so happy, he almost felt guilty. There were so many things he hadn't told her about his family, his past, everything. he hadn't wanted to burden her with his troubles, the way he had the first time around. He'd wanted to get to know her as a person, to make up for his selfishness, but it didn't seem honest somehow. She'd told him so much about herself and he'd told her virtually nothing. He had started thinking about that when his mother had called. She wanted him to come up for a visit. Just thinking about it brought up a million and one unresolved issues. His father was still alive in 1982. There was so much that needed to be dealt with differently. He wanted to share it with Scully. Worse than those omissions though, Mulder was beginning to feel very odd about not telling Scully how he had come to be here. He wanted to tell her about their past, or future, or whatever it was, together. Not that she was likely to believe him. But he felt like he was lying to her by not telling her. He knew he couldn't live with that for much longer. That would mean telling her about her abduction, her death, a lot of horrible things. He didn't want to scare her. He didn't want to make her think he was a lunatic either. His worst fear was that he would tell her these things and she would never want to see him again. He put these concerns temporarily out of his head as he drove them across the beltway and into the city. He was having trouble concentrating on anything but her at the moment. She was wearing tighter jeans than usual. She usually wore very baggy clothes and he had suggested to her a few days ago, in a way he hoped hadn't made him sound like a pig, that she might wanna wear something that showed off her body a little more. She had looked embarrassed at the time and asked what there was to show off. Lots had been his answer and she seemed to have listened. And her hair. She'd tied her flowing tresses into two braids hanging down either side of her face. Pigtails. They made her look even younger than usual but they were adorable. And he could actually see her face for once. He reached between them and took one of them in his hand. She turned to him and her face was flushed. Was she embarrassed or excited by his touch? She was still such a riddle. "They look stupid right?" "No. They're cute." She grimaced. "Cute is stupid." "No, cute is cute. I like them. You look really pretty." She smiled and blushed again. He pulled his hand away when he realized he was getting an erection. Don't wanna go there, he warned himself for the millionth time. She was so young, the last thing she needed was to be corrupted by his perverted desires. He'd been trying, Lord how he had been trying not to feel them at all. But she was so damned hot. She was Scully for Christ's sake. And he was twenty-one years old again, hormones running wild through his body. He couldn't avoid thinking about it. But he would control himself. He had to. It just wouldn't be right. Not now. Not yet. xxxxx Scully sighed to herself. Why did he always do that? He would touch her, say something sweet and then randomly and suddenly pull away from her. She'd been waiting for the day he didn't pull away for a long time. The day he took her face in his hands and kissed her. Her patience was running out. They didn't have all that much time together and she was starting to think she needed to be the one to make that day happen. The thought terrified her but she didn't know how much longer she could go on like this, not knowing. Mulder found a parking space close to the monuments and they started walking around the city. It was so beautiful at night. She stared at the lights from the buildings and he stared at the sky. They walked side by side and she was struck by an overwhelming urge to take his hand in hers. She jammed her fists deep into her pockets, trying to suppress the desire. When they reached the Jefferson Memorial he turned to her. "My mother called me today." She looked at him questioningly. He'd never mentioned his mother other than telling her his parents were divorced. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" "Not sure. She wants me to come and visit her." She felt instantly territorial. If he went to the vineyard he would be away from her, possibly for days. "Are you going to go?" "Probably. Probably next weekend." Scully tried to hide her disappointment. "What's she like?" "Um..." Mulder gazed towards the sky, seeming to search for an appropriate adjective. "Fragile, she's fragile." Fragile? Scully couldn't imagine having a fragile mother. "How come?" He shrugged and fiddled with the fabric at the bottom of his T-shirt. Mulder didn't talk about his family very often and she hadn't asked but she'd always been curious, and somewhat concerned for some reason. "She's had kind of a rough time. Scully...there's some stuff I haven't told you about. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry or be upset for me because it's not such a big deal anymore. I mean I'm over it but..." "But what?" She was suddenly terrified. "But it's part of who I am and I need you to know about it." She gestured for him to sit next to her on the steps and he did. And then he started talking. She didn't interrupt, just listened to his story. And what a story it was. A story of a missing sister and a bitter father, of emotional neglect, verbal abuse, nights when his father would get so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, nights when he would hit his terrified son and his helpless wife, the guilt Mulder had felt for letting his sister go. It was the saddest thing she had ever heard. She knew he wasn't looking for her pity, he was telling her because it was his life, it helped make him the person he was. He didn't want her to feel bad for him. But she did and it made her cry. He reached over and wiped the tears that were flowing freely down her cheeks. "No Scully, don't cry. Please don't cry. It's okay." "It's not okay Mulder. It's not. It's terrible. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what that must have been like." She really couldn't. Her own family was far from perfect. There were times when she'd hated all of her siblings and her father was a stern authoritarian figure who dolled out love and approval like table scraps, but she had never endured anything like this. No one had ever put her down the way Mulder's father had done to him. And as much as her brothers and sister annoyed her, she couldn't imagine the pain and guilt she would have felt if one of them had vanished mysteriously. She took one of his hands tightly in her own. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that." He flashed her a toothy grin. He honestly didn't seem that upset about it. "It's okay Scully. Really, it is." "Okay, but if you ever want to talk about it, don't hesitate. I'll be here." He squeezed her hand in acknowledgment and started to pull away. She wouldn't let go. Not this time. She pulled back. Then she leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. His eyes squeezed shut and she took the opportunity to kiss his eyelids. She moved on slowly to his forehead, and then his chin. He was trembling and seemed to be holding his breath. She was so close to his mouth. She paused for a moment to admire the glistening moisture, the fullness of his lower lip. She had to do this. She just had to. She took a deep breath and nervously touched her mouth to his. She pressed gently and for a moment got no response from him whatsoever. Then suddenly it was as if the floodgates inside him came crashing open. He captured her lips and kissed her with an overwhelming passion, a passion she'd never known in her life. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her tightly against him. He moaned against her and his tongue plunged hungrily into her mouth. She began to feel a little dizzy. She'd never been kissed like this, never felt anything like this. It was just a kiss but it was the most emotionally fulfilling, sexually thrilling moment of her life. She was tingling everywhere. She was more aroused than she had ever been before. Her heart was pounding so loud and so fast, it was all she could hear. His hand slipped under her shirt and he started stroking her stomach lightly. His touch felt like fire against her bare skin. How could anything feel so good? She actually cried out into his mouth from the sensation. She never, ever wanted this kiss to end. xxxxx He was kissing Scully. Actually kissing her. God help him, he couldn't stop. It was too good. Too much. There were reasons he shouldn't be doing this but for the life of him he couldn't remember what they were. She tasted so sweet. And the sounds she was making, the way she was writhing around in his arms, were making him absolutely crazy. She was horny as hell. And it was making him hot. Too hot. The angle they were at was becoming a little awkward so she climbed into his lap, he supposed so she could reach his mouth better. It was too much. He gasped as her bottom made contact with the erection straining against his pants. This was bad. But God it was good. And very, very bad. He was going to end up fucking her on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial in front of a group of Japanese tourists if they didn't stop soon. People were already starting to stare. He tore his mouth reluctantly away to try and speak to her. "Scully..." She ground against him and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, biting the skin there to keep from screaming. She grabbed the back of his head and pressed in the direction of her breasts. No. This had to stop. Jesus, it had to stop right now. "Scully." He pulled his head from her grasp and looked at her face. Her skin was red with flush and her lips were parted. She was panting. Christ, she was panting. Her eyes were as wild as he felt. "Scully, we can't...this...here...I..." She laughed breathlessly. "No, I guess we can't. You wanna get out of here Mulder? Maybe go back to my apartment?" She stroked his face and gave him a look he'd been waiting for from her for a million years. "Um, Scully..." He had no idea how much further she wanted to take this. And he knew he couldn't turn her down, no matter how far that was, no matter how wrong it was. "Mulder, I want you. I want to be with you. I want you to make love to me." "Oh...Scully. God." She leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Do you want that Mulder? Do you want me?" He wondered how she could even ask. The evidence of his want was pressing into her backside. "I wa...yes. I want that. I want you. Scully. I want you so much. But I think...." What did he think? He couldn't tell her that she was too young for him, that it wasn't their time yet, that he was a pervert for even kissing her in the first place. She wouldn't understand that. She would think he was rejecting her. But he couldn't take advantage of her in this state. It was probably just overworked teen-aged hormones at work. He needed to give her a chance to cool down, to think about it rationally, and God knew he needed a chance to do that. "I think maybe we should think about it some Scully. Talk about it some." "Talk?" she muttered, starting to place delicate kisses on his neck. "Y...yeah, you know...um, make sure that it's really what you wa..." he broke off into a moan as she shifted against him and licked the sensitive spot behind his ear. She sure wasn't making this easy. "It's what I want," she whispered into his ear. "Scully, you th...think it is bu..." "I don't think. I know." She ran her fingers over his biceps and under the sleeves of his shirt and started kissing his neck more aggressively, licking him and biting. His hands squeezed at her waist involuntarily and he groaned in frustration. "We...we've gotta um, go...away..." A group of teenage girls walked past them on the steps, giggling and Mulder thought he saw a woman covering her little boy's eyes. They really were making a scene here and it was only bound to get worse. "Sc...Scully, gotta go..." She interrupted him with another kiss and he lost himself in it, forgetting where they were and who he was for a blessed moment. He realized there was only one way he was going to get her off these damn steps. He stood up and carried her down. He ignored her muffled protests and the stares of the tourists and took her all the way back to the sidewalk. Then he placed her down on her feet next to him. She looked at him questioningly. "We've gotta go Scully." "To my apartment then?" her tongue darted out to moisten her lips and he almost groaned again. "I dunno, we need...you need...we should think about it a little." He couldn't miss the disappointed look in her eyes, the pout on her mouth. It made him want to sob. He was letting her down again. But in the long run, it would be better for her. They walked through the city and he tried not to touch her, tried not to look at her. Tried to ignore the throbbing need between his legs. He couldn't do this. It wouldn't be right. The more he thought about it the more he knew it to be true. She had only known him a couple of weeks. There was no way she could have fallen in love with him in such a short time and he wouldn't feel right about being with her this way unless he knew that she loved him. She was young and he was a new, exciting person in her life. That was why she wanted this and he refused to take advantage of that. Even though he wanted her more than anything in the world. It wasn't fair to her. Besides that, getting involved with him romantically was bound to hurt her in the long run. That's why he had avoided it the first time around. He ran through the arguments as they walked in the futile not horny attempt. They made sense. They were logical and appropriate. But they didn't make her look any less alluring in her tight jeans and tank top and cute little pig tails, they didn't make all the blood in his body stop rushing directly to his cock when he stood near her, they didn't make him love her any less than he always had and, in the long run, they wouldn't be able to keep him away. Unless she stopped wanting him. Either way, he needed to give her time to decide that this was what she wanted. Or didn't want. It was too soon. She needed time. end part 5 Eleventh Hour (6/11) Scully was also thinking about time. Wasting time. That's what they were doing, walking around, trying not to want each other. And for what purpose? She wasn't about to change her mind. She had thought about this. She had thought about it long and hard. It wasn't a decision she took lightly. She'd been waiting for this. Waiting for the right man and the right time and she was sure now that this was it. It was strange, she had said no to so many boys. Boys she had known for a much longer time than Mulder. But she hadn't loved those boys. She hadn't been sure. She hadn't felt the connection. With anyone else, ever. That connection was strong enough to make her utter a statement she'd never thought herself capable of making. "I want you to make love to me." God, she had actually said that. With anyone else she would have been too embarrassed to ever say those words. She was simultaneously thrilled and frightened that he had driven her to that. By the time they reached Mulder's car she was even more convinced that this was right. She needed to let him know how she felt. That would convince him. If he knew she loved him, he would be okay with this, he would know it was really what she wanted. And maybe, just maybe, he would say it back to her. She was absolutely petrified. She'd never said those words to anyone but her mother and sister. And she'd been certain they would say it right back. She had a strong sense that Mulder did love her. How could any man kiss her like that and not love her? But whether he would say it was another issue. They sat in the car together for a moment in silence. They were alone now. Alone in a dark car. She could hear him breathing. She could smell him. She could almost smell her own arousal. He sat in the driver's seat saying and doing nothing, just staring out the window and into space. "Mulder?" "Sorry. I was just thinking." He turned the key to start the engine but she reached over to stop him. "It's all right. Don't go yet. There's something...I've gotta...I need to tell you something." "Scully..." "It's important Mulder. I need to tell you." He bit his lower lip and continued to stare out the window. He seemed nervous. Even more so. "Mulder I know this is strange. I know that you're not supposed to feel this way so soon after meeting each other. But I can't help it. I just feel this connection to you and it's so strong. I just can't ignore it. And I..." "Scully please!" He looked like he was in pain. He sounded on the verge of tears. And he still wasn't looking at her. He knew what was coming. It was obvious that he didn't want to hear it. But she couldn't stop now, not when she was so close. "I just want you to know that..." "Scully. Don't." He sounded positively frantic, desperate for her to stop. "I love you Mulder. I just...I just love you." She let out the deep breath she'd been holding and turned to him. He squeezed his eyes shut and slammed his head into the back of the seat. Not exactly the response she'd been hoping for. He looked more miserable than she'd ever seen him. He didn't love her. What had she done? God what kind of fool had she just made of herself? Throwing herself at her only real friend, telling him she loved him. He probably never wanted to see her again. He was silent for a long time and she continued to berate herself mentally. What a fool she was, what a total moron. She had ruined everything. Why had she even kissed him? She felt tears welling inside her after a few more minutes of silence and was about ready to ask him to just drop her off at home as quickly as possible. She wouldn't cry in front of him. She wouldn't let him see what he was doing to her. "Scully, you don't." What? She couldn't have heard that right. He couldn't have possibly said that. But he had, and he finally opened his eyes, faced her and continued. "You think you do, maybe you want to, but you don't. Not really. You don't really know me Scully. Not all of me. Not the bad stuff, just the stuff I've let you see. You don't know the kind of person I can be, who I really am." Her total despair was rapidly being replaced by overwhelming anger as he spoke. Her chest tightened and she felt like she might actually strike him. How dare he? How dare he question her feelings, presume to know how she felt better than she did? How DARE he? "You son of a bitch," she growled through clenched teeth. "What?" "I open myself up to you, tell you something I've never told anyone before in my entire life, lay my heart on the table for you to cut to pieces, give you every ounce of trust I have and all you can do is sit there like a jack ass and tell me I'm wrong, that I don't know how I feel. What do you think I am? Some kind of fucking kid? Fuck you!" She was crying now. Stupid bastard had made her cry again. She couldn't remember ever yelling at someone like that. It was supposed to make her feel better but it only made her feel a hundred times worse. "No, Scully, I don't think that. I just don't think..." He reached out his hand to touch her face and she swatted it away. "Fuck you! I don't care what you think. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? Fuck you." "I have some idea. Scully...please..." "Please what?" He just looked at her with that stupid expression. "Please what damn you!" "I...uhmm." He reminded her of a deer caught in the headlights. Total panic. His mouth hanging open and his eyes wide with terror. She would show him. She had to show him. He was wrong, not her. "You think I don't know what I feel? You think I don't know what I'm talking about? I'll show you how I feel you self-righteous little shit." She took his face in her hands, ran her nails up into his scalp and dug deep into the flesh, and she kissed him. Again. God help her. She didn't know what the hell was making her do this but something told her it was the only way. She kissed him with all the anger and all the love she had in her. She pried his lips apart with her tongue and with a helpless whimper he let her in. Their tongues met in a dance of fury and need. Their tears fell and mingled in each others mouths. She climbed aggressively onto him for the second time and straddled him in the seat. He was hard again and she ground into him wantonly causing them both to gasp. His hands groped in the air blindly before clutching the back of her shirt. The sound of sniffling and panting and moaning filled the car. She felt his tongue touch the back of her throat and she knew that she had him. She pulled back then, breaking the kiss and leaving him open mouthed and breathless. "So. What do you think of that?" she asked, surprised that she could still speak at this point. "I...huumm...Scully..." "Do you still think I'm wrong? Do you think I could kiss you like that if I didn't love you? Even after what you just did?" His mouth opened and closed wordlessly. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled on it violently. "Do you? Answer me!" "I...I dunno Scully." Damn him. Damn him to hell. She was starting to hate him. He gave her a goofy grin and spoke again. "I...I do know one thing though. I don't think you would've called me a self-righteous little shit if you didn't love me." Jesus H. Christ. He really was fucked in the head. She knew that. And she loved him. She didn't care. She kissed him again. xxxxx Mulder was not generally the most sane individual. But he was certain that by now, he was certifiable. Again. She wanted to have him, right here in the car. She was rocking against him almost constantly now in a way that was going to make him embarrass himself damn soon if she didn't stop. She was kissing him again with that amazing, talented mouth of hers and running her hands all over his chest and arms. And he was about ready to shoot himself in the head. If he had to pry her squirming little body away from him one more time it was going to drive him over the edge. She was making him crazy. She loved him. She really did. He didn't doubt that for a second anymore. He'd never seen Scully lose it like that about anything. Somehow, she had fallen in love with him. Somehow he had accomplished in two weeks what he had spent nearly ten years trying to do. And it was too much for his resolve to withstand. She loved him. She wanted to make love to him. Who the hell was he to refuse her anymore? He was only hurting her by denying her what she seemed to want so badly. And he had vowed never to see her hurt again. But this wasn't the place for it. Not for Scully. Not in a car in the middle of downtown DC. Not with her back pressed into the steering wheel and her leg crushed between him and the door. It needed to be right. It needed to be special. He felt her hands at his waist, pulling frantically at the bottom of his shirt, and he grabbed them. "MmmScully...no..." "What? What the hell Mulder?" "We..it's...we have to go." He wondered how many times they were going to be forced to repeat this little scene tonight. "Mulder, no. I want you now." She tried to pull her wrists out of his grip but he refused to let her go. God only knew where she was going to try to touch him next. "Mulder what is your problem?" She looked like she was getting angry and upset again. "I just...I want...I..." She was still moving on top of him and he was finding it difficult to speak at all, let alone turn her down again. "What Mulder? Tell me what you want. I'll do it. I'll do anything." Jesus. "Nice. Want it to be nice. Comfortable. Private, Scully." "Mmm...this is nice..." she mumbled into his neck as she started kissing him there again. "N...not...oohh...God...n...nice...e..nough." He pushed her backwards by her arms and into the steering wheel. "Please. Scully...please. Lemme take you home," he panted breathlessly. She took a deep breath and let it out. "Mulder, you are too much of a gentleman for your own damned good." xxxxx As they drove back to her apartment, Mulder prayed that he wouldn't get pulled over. He was driving at almost twice the legal speed limit. His fingers were trembling on the steering wheel. He felt like his entire body was throbbing with need. He couldn't even bear to look over at her. Every time he did she gave him a secret, dirty smile and his fingers twitched anxiously, ready to drive the car into a ditch just to be able to touch her again. He dared to meet her eyes and almost veered off into a tree. She was so beautiful. He was going to take her home and make love to her. To Scully. He was going to make love to Scully. Scully wanted him. Scully loved him. It made him ache. "Mulder?" "Hum?" He was afraid. What was she going to say now? What was she going to do to him next? She was just full of surprises tonight. "There's um...something I haven't told you. Something you should probably know before we do this." He risked another look at her. She looked troubled and nervous. "What is it Scully?" She sighed and looked away from him. "I dunno how you're gonna feel about this Mulder." He couldn't think of a thing in the world that she could possibly tell him to make him feel any differently about her. Not one single thing. He reached between them and took her hand. He intertwined his fingers with hers on top of her thigh. Her thigh was warm. "Scully, it'll be fine. Whatever it is." She bit her lip and squeezed his hand. "Mulder I'm kind of...um...not really very experienced with this. I mean...I'm uh, I'm kind of a virgin." Oh shit. Oh Jesus. He glanced quickly at her again. She was blushing and staring out the window. A virgin? He had thought she might be before tonight but the way she'd been acting earlier, so aggressive and...sexual, it didn't even seem possible. Then he realized, that was for him. That was because of him. She'd obviously never been like that with anyone else before because if she had she sure as hell wouldn't be a virgin anymore. Any other man probably would have fucked her back at the monument for Christ's sake. This was all for him. She wanted to give him her virginity. It made him happy enough to cry. It turned him on impossibly more. But how could he take that from her? "And I'm...I'm not just talking normal virginity here Mulder. I mean I've never...the most I've ever done is give a guy a hand job and that was only a couple times. I've never..." She swallowed loud enough for him to hear it. Her palm was slick with sweat. "I've never even had an orgasm Mulder," she whispered. God. Oh God. Why was this making him so hot? What the fuck was wrong with him? This wasn't right. Not at all. Never had an orgasm? He found the thought almost inconceivable. "Scully..." His voice was unnaturally high pitched. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Scully...I don't...I think...um, maybe this isn't the best idea. I mean, maybe we shouldn't really do this..." Her hand slipped out of his and he saw a tear trail down her cheek. Her lower lip was trembling. Dammit. Goddammit! How many times had he made her cry tonight? It had to be a fucking world's record of stupidity. "Scully..." "Sure Mulder. Whatever. I get it. You don't wanna do it with a stupid virgin. It's okay. That's why I told you in the first place, so you could get out of it if you..." Her voice cracked and she turned completely away from him towards the passenger side window. "Scully, no. That's...God, that's not it. Not at all. Jesus, don't you realize what an attractive quality that is?" He groped around for her hand in the dark but she had taken it completely away. Why did he have to hurt her all the time? When would it finally be enough? "Attractive," she snorted. "Right, so what's the problem then?" "The problem..." He lifted his hand to stroke what he could reach of her face and she jerked away. "Scully, the problem is that I don't want to take something from you that you might not be ready to give. I just want you to be sure. I just..." "Dammit Mulder!" She turned back to him finally. "I AM sure. Why do you have to second guess me like that? I'm sure Mulder. This isn't something I take lightly. I've thought about this a lot and I want it to be you. Why is this all so hard for you to accept Mulder? I'm not a child!" "I...I know that Scully. Look, if, if you want this then so do I but, all I'm saying is we can take it a little slow. I mean, we don't have to do everything tonight." "So...so you still wanna be with me then?" The way she asked him that broke his heart. "Of course I do Scully, of course. I just, like I said, I just think it's okay to take it slow. I mean, there are lots of ways to make love Scully. Lots and lots of ways." She slipped her hand back in his and he felt right again. "I want you to show me all of them Mulder. I want you to show me everything." His foot twitched harder on the accelerator. He was going to come in his pants if they didn't get home soon. "Mulder, how many women have you been with?" God, he didn't even know how to begin answering that question. Who should he include? Only those before 1982 or everyone? Before 1982 was a very short list. Amy from his first year at Oxford and Phoebe. But was it entirely honest to tell her that it was just those two? "Um...two." Not entirely honest but probably less frightening to her than the actual number. It was close enough for now. "Two? Really? That's all?" "Y...yeah." "That's not very many." "Um..." he shrugged and laughed nervously. "No, I mean that's okay. I mean it's good really. It's just fewer than I thought. But I'm glad. I...I wouldn't want you to be too experienced or anything. I mean I...I wouldn't want to have too much to measure up to or anything." "Scully, I promise you, you have nothing to worry about. Nothing. No one has ever been as special to me as you." That was something he could say in complete honesty, no matter what the situation. "Well, I just hope I don't disappoint you." "Oh, Scully," he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers lightly. "You never could. Never." end part 6 From: RaValliano@aol.com Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 21:35:21 EDT Subject: Eleventh Hour (7a/11) by Rachel Anton Title: Eleventh Hour (7a/11) Author: Rachel Anton E-Mail: RaValliano@aol.com Rating: NC-17 See part one for summary, disclaimer, etc. Scully could hardly believe it when they finally made it back to her apartment and Mulder didn't try to flee again. She was not used to this. Not at all. Every guy she'd ever been involved with had pressured her to do this. She had never even kissed a man without him expecting, sometimes demanding, more. She had never been in a situation like this in her life. She had thrown herself at Mulder in a way she'd never thought herself capable of. She wanted him more than she'd ever considered it possible to want anything. And he had fought her every step of the way. Getting him to her bed had been like pulling teeth. She was trying not to take it personally. He really did seem to want her back. But for some reason which she could not fathom, he didn't seem to think himself worthy of her. He didn't seem to understand how she could possibly love him. It was frustrating and infuriating and very, very sad. Now that he was here, lying in her bed next to her, she vowed to show him once and for all that she could, and in fact did, love him more than life itself. He touched and kissed her with a tenderness that made her ache inside as they lay together. She'd never been handled with such care, such gentleness. She'd never felt so comfortable and at ease making out with a guy. She'd also never been so turned on in her life. The light kisses he was planting on her lips, her face, her neck, were driving her absolutely crazy. She wanted more. She felt a little reluctant about pushing though. She didn't want him to think she was some kind of sex-starved lunatic. She'd already attacked him twice. But if he didn't get naked soon she was sure she would die. His hands were stroking her sides lightly and she took one of them in her own and led it to her breast, feeling self-conscious but needing the touch too badly to stop. They both moaned as he ran his fingers over her hardened nipple through her shirt and she threw her head back, thrusting her chest at him. He seemed to take the hint for a change and brought both his hands to her breasts. He ran his thumbs over her nipples with increasing pressure as he licked and nipped at her throat and she threw her leg over his hip, pulling his lower body closer to hers. Finally, his hands moved down and started tugging at the bottom of her shirt. He pulled his head back and looked at her. He was bright red and breathing as heavily as she was. Yeah, he wanted her back all right. "Scully if...if you wanna stop, I mean any time, let me know okay?" Stop? Right. "Don't stop Mulder. Please don't stop." She lifted her arms encouragingly and he pulled the tank top off her. He gazed at her for a moment and she started pulling at his shirt. "You too." He smiled and tossed his T-shirt to the floor. God he was beautiful. His upper body was amazing. Perfect. Large, powerful arms, muscular but not to the point of obscenity. A hard, well defined chest with just the right amount of hair. Solid abs. Inny belly button. She wanted to touch everything. She wanted to lick him everywhere. She ran her hands possessively over his flesh, wanting to stake a claim. He shivered at the needy way she touched him. Her eyes drifted lower, to the bulge in his jeans. She wanted to touch that too. She ran her fingers lightly over him and he shut his eyes and groaned. It was such an amazing sound, so awe-inspiring to think that she could create such a sound in him. She buried her face in his chest, tasting the heat of his skin, and started unbuttoning the top of his jeans. His hands clasped around her wrists tightly and she looked up, startled. He pulled her hands away from him and placed them on the pillow next to her head. "Not yet baby, not yet," he mumbled. Baby. He called her baby. She almost felt faint hearing his gravely, soft voice calling her that. She lay flat on her back and he leaned over her kissing and stroking her arms and her neck. He ran his tongue down her neck and traced the line of her bra until his face was buried in her cleavage. He made a muffled grunting sound and she giggled. Then he licked her nipple through the silk of her bra and the giggle turned into a sigh. When the lick became a light nip, the sigh became a sharp gasp. She twined her fingers in his hair and pressed his face against her. Encouraged, he bit down hard and sucked her through the material. She moaned and her legs shifted against each other. "You like it?" he asked, looking up at her. "Mmmmyeah." "Tell me if I do anything you don't like okay?" She nodded enthusiastically, just wanting him to get back to what he'd been doing. He reached between them to undo the clasp between her breasts and she noticed that his hands were trembling. He could barely get a grip on the tiny piece of plastic. He grinned at her sheepishly and she smiled. He was scared. That made her feel even more at ease for some reason. She was safe here. And wanted. He finally managed to undo the clasp and he pulled back the bra. She slipped out of the straps and tossed it to the side. She lay completely bared to him. With the lights on. She didn't think anyone had ever seen her like this. Guys had felt her up before but always in the dark, usually in a car. No man had ever stared openly at her breasts the way Mulder was doing now. She felt a blush creeping into her skin under his eyes. She wondered how many breasts he had seen, if hers were okay. "Scully, you are so beautiful." She looked into his eyes and saw that they were starting to get watery. He was crying. Before she could think about what that might possibly mean his mouth was covering her nipple again and she convulsed against him. He pulled her into his mouth and suckled and licked at her with his incredible lips and his strong tongue and she felt a strange burning sensation through her whole body. She felt like her whole body was on fire. She pulled at him and he rolled over on top of her. She spread her legs and took him between them. They were both still in jeans but she could feel the hardness of him pressing against her and it made her whimper. He caught her mouth in a scorching kiss that made her feel even weaker and she pressed herself tightly against him. He was so big, his body covered her completely. She felt engulfed by him, overwhelmed by his bulk, his smell, his Mulderness. He ground his hips down into her and filled her mouth with his tongue. He was everywhere and it felt so damned good. She couldn't even believe it. This was usually the point where she became utterly terrified and told the guy it was time to go home. But she didn't want Mulder to go home. She thought if he even tried to leave now she would die. But he didn't. He kept grinding against her and thrusting his tongue in and out of her mouth and moaning that beautiful moan. She grabbed his ass and pulled him harder to her, increasing the pressure. She felt a throbbing between her legs that she recognized vaguely. She'd been able to bring herself to this point a couple of times but never beyond. It was a wonderful but frustrating place to be which is why she'd essentially given up on masturbation a long time ago. He moved his kiss from her mouth down to her chin, over her neck and finally back to her breast. He ran his tongue in slow, agonizing circles over her nipples and she rocked against him. She thought he would stop there but he continued his downward path, licking his way down her stomach, over her belly button and her sides. It would have tickled if she hadn't been so aroused. She felt his hands at the waist of her jeans and looked down nervously. She wanted this so much, she was so ready for it, but it was still uncharted territory. "Can I take these off Scully?" God he was so sweet, so considerate, asking her permission for every little baby step they took. It made her heart soar and her fear vanish. She nodded and smiled. "Please." She kicked off her shoes and socks and he slowly unbuttoned her jeans. When she felt his fingers pulling her fly down, brushing against her, she felt a strange, but very pleasant tremor and arched against his hand. He smiled and pulled the jeans down her legs and off her body. He sat back on his knees and looked at her with that same goofy grin. But beneath that grin his eyes burned with a raw, open hunger that took her breath away. He really did think she was beautiful. He stood up at the foot of the bed and finished unbuttoning the fly she had started with before. He didn't seem to want her to touch him there for some reason. Not yet anyway. That's what he'd said. Not yet baby. She tingled again thinking of the intimate way he had said that. She watched with rapt fascination as he pulled his jeans off and threw them on the floor. He stood before her clad only in a pair of blue cotton boxers. She could see the outline of his erection pressing against the fabric. She hoped he would take the boxers off too. She had an unusually strong desire to see what was underneath. But he didn't. He sank to his knees and took her foot in his hands. Her eyes widened in surprise. This wasn't exactly what she had been expecting. But as he massaged the sole of her foot, kneading the flesh with his fingers, she started to forget what she had been expecting and enjoy what he actually was doing. It felt amazing. He wrapped his lips around her big toe and sucked lightly on it and she cried out. It was surprisingly exciting. He worked his way around her whole foot, licking and massaging her toes and her ankle and she found herself clutching the blanket underneath her. Eventually he worked his way up her calf, giving it the same treatment. He tugged gently at both her legs and she went completely limp, letting him pull her towards him so that she was sitting at the edge of the bed. So that her legs were hanging down on either side of him. So that her crotch was inches from his face. Waves of panic and desire washed over her as she realized what he was going to do. "Can I kiss you here?" His mouth was so close to her that when he spoke, his words vibrated against the sodden fabric of her panties causing a whole new set of tremors through her. "Huummm..." She wished he'd stop asking now. She couldn't even form coherent words anymore. So she slid down further and jerked into his face as an answer. He chuckled against her and then ran his tongue over the material of her panties. It felt amazing. God it felt too good. She almost couldn't stand it. But still she wanted more. "Take...off. Mmmm takethemofff!" He looped his fingers through the waistband and slowly pulled the underwear down and off. And then he was there. Everywhere. His lips and his tongue and his hands, on her, in her, in places no one, not even she herself, had ever been. And it felt better than she ever imagined possible. He separated and stroked her folds gently with his fingers, lapping at her clit like a kitten, over and over and over. Back and forth, gently at first but slowly increasing in speed and pressure. Then in circles, wide at first then smaller and more focused. She grabbed the back of his head, pressing him harder against her, grabbing fistfuls of hair in a needy desperation that she had never, ever felt. Her hips began to rotate off the bed without her even realizing it. She realized suddenly that there was blood in her mouth. She'd been biting the inside of her lip to keep from making any embarrassing noises. But it was okay, she told herself. She was with Mulder and it was okay. He wouldn't think she was bad for enjoying this. He was doing it so that she would enjoy it, so that she would feel good. All for her, he was doing it all for her. God she loved him. She let herself groan a little and soon she was making an almost continual stream of noises, each louder and stranger than the last. She'd never made such noises. She hoped Rebecca wasn't home. She looked down at him and was surprised to find him looking right back at her, his eyes twinkling with mischief and desire and she wondered what she must look like, thrashing around on her bed like that. He seemed to like it though. He seemed happy. She was starting to feel something building inside her. Something that defied description. She wondered if it was an orgasm, or at least the beginnings of one. She was already way past anywhere she'd ever been and had no way of knowing if it was actually happening. They were only supposed to last a few seconds though and this was just going on and on. A sudden spasm hit her and she called out to Mulder. Was that it? Was that an orgasm? No, it couldn't be because she still wanted more. He pulled his mouth from her and she whimpered in dismay. "Have you ever been this close before Scully?" "I...mmm....noooo." She was gasping for air, barely able to think or speak. What the hell was happening to her? "Just relax Scully. Let it happen. I'm right here." He pressed his tongue against her again and she felt it more acutely than before. She felt it everywhere. He was doing it even harder and faster and her whole body was shaking. His finger began sliding slowly in and out of her and it felt surprisingly good. Amazing. She felt full. She felt herself tighten around him and pull him deeper inside. "M..moremuldermore..." He pumped her now, fast and furious and his lips tightened around her clit and he sucked at it and flicked his tongue over it again and again and again. "Mulder. Oh. Oh...GOD." She screamed. She screamed loud and long as everything inside her shattered into a million pieces. It was unbearable pleasure and sweet pain and scary and beautiful and just defied description. And then it was too much. It just hurt and she pulled his hair to make him stop. He looked up at her with a smile and crawled back up her trembling, twitching body. He covered her again and she kissed him savagely, tasting herself mingled with his taste. They moved together back to the head of the bed and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him. "Did you like that Scully?" It was such a ridiculous question that she had to laugh. Like it? That was like asking someone if they'd "like" to meet God. Like was not the right word. "It was...oh God Mulder..thank you. Thank you." He laughed and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you Scully. Thank you for letting me give you that." Well, that was something, but it wasn't enough. Not for him. She wanted to give him everything he'd given her. She wanted to make him feel what she had just felt. She wanted his orgasm. end part 7a Eleventh Hour (7b/11) She was amazing. She was a dream. She was his. He could see it in the rapt way she was gazing up at him, feel it in the way she squeezed him close, ground her hips against his leg. He'd given her her first orgasm. He felt what he realized to be a totally inappropriate burst of male pride at the thought. The way he'd made her feel, it was unbelievable. She'd been so out of control, so ecstatic, it was the most beautiful, deeply moving thing he had ever seen. He didn't think he would ever forget that dirty, sweet smile on her face, the way her eyes had rolled into the back of her head, the satisfied and somewhat startled mewling sounds she'd been making. For a moment he was so lost in his musings that he didn't notice the fact that she was running her hands down his chest, over his stomach. When he felt her tiny fingers pulling at the waistband of his boxers he was actually startled. He'd been hard the entire time he'd been going down on her but he'd really scarcely noticed. He'd been so focused on giving her what she needed that he hadn't thought for a second about his own intense arousal. He was still hard. But still unable to conceive of asking anything of her. He would have been content to lay with her until she fell asleep and then slip off to the bathroom to relieve himself later. She seemed to want more. She was up on her knees now, pulling at the annoying garment with a look of frustration. He rose a little bit and helped her off with the shorts. And then there they were, both completely naked. It was something he'd never thought he would live to see. He looked up at her face, expecting to see her smiling back at him, but her eyes were downcast, focusing on the part of him she had never seen. Her mouth was parted in a little o and her eyes were wide with...something. Surprise, shock, dismay? "Scully?" She looked up and he saw that she was blushing. She laughed a little nervously. "I..I'm sorry. It's just...God Mulder, it's just..." She was silent for a moment and a thousand horrific possibilities ran through his head. "It's just um...it's really big Mulder." Now it was his turn to blush. He didn't really know what to say to that. "Is...is that okay Scully? I mean, does that bother you?" She laughed again and shook her head. "No, I mean, I don't think so...I mean...I like it Mulder. It's very um...it's very you. I just haven't really seen that many ya know. It kinda um...took me by surprise." He smiled, hoping that she would never have occasion to see another one. Ever. She lay back down next to him and he rolled onto his side, wanting to feel his flesh against hers. When she started kissing him, he realized that had been a mistake. His cock was already twitching anxiously against her stomach and he had to fight an overwhelming urge to start rubbing himself against her like a dog. She reached between them and stroked him lightly and he jerked into her hand reflexively with a grunt. She chuckled into his neck and wrapped her hand completely around him. He closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the sensations for a while. Her hand running up and down the length of him, her lips and tongue massaging his neck, his chest, the feel of her hair in his hands, the smell of her sweet little body beside him, it was all beautiful. "Mulder, I've never done this before. Let me know if I do it wrong." "Hmm..." He wondered what the heck she was talking about. She had just told him that a hand job was the one thing she HAD done. And she was doing it fine, just right in fact. Then before he knew what was happening, he felt her tongue flicking lightly, tentatively, over the head of his penis. "Oh God. Scully...you don't have to ahhhh...Jesus." His head fell back into the pillow as she wrapped her lips completely around the tip of him. It looked like he didn't have much choice in the matter. She was going to do it no matter what. She wanted to. And he couldn't stop her. He didn't have the strength anymore. He looked down and found her nervous eyes looking back up at him. Her mouth curled into a tiny smile around him and she slid down, slowly taking more of him in. It felt so good already. His whole body was shaking. He had to restrain himself from jerking violently into her mouth. Soon her head started bobbing slowly up and down on him. She couldn't manage to get the whole thing down so she wrapped her hand around him at the root and started moving it in synch with her mouth. It was already the best blow job he'd ever gotten in his entire life. And it wasn't just because it was Scully. True that was certainly part of it but there was more. Despite her inexperience she seemed to sense exactly what he needed. She knew how to touch him almost instinctually. He was close already. He reached down and stroked her hair lightly, needing to touch her somehow. She was still in those pigtails. He took one of them in his hand and found himself winding it around his fist like a rope. His other hand was clutching at the bedsheets for dear life. She sped her movements a bit and he groaned his approval. Suddenly he felt something hot and wet against his leg. He looked down and saw that she had straddled his thigh and was grinding herself against him as she sucked the life out of him. He groaned again and pushed his leg upwards a little. What a horny little thing she was. What a lucky son of a bitch he was. He felt himself starting to throb inside her mouth and wondered if he was starting to choke her. If so, she didn't seem to mind. She started stroking him with her tongue as she moved over him and he gasped. "Scuh..leee..." She paused and looked up at him. She took her mouth away from him and he felt like crying. "I...is this okay Mulder? Am I doing it right?" God. She was so adorable. He felt his heart shatter all over again. She just broke him sometimes. He nodded enthusiastically. "Just right, baby. Just right." She smiled and placed a delicate kiss at the crevice where the head met the shaft and he felt a tear run down his cheek. Could he love her anymore? Then she circled the head with her tongue and he was so startled at the feeling that he jerked off the bed and into her mouth. Dammit, he cursed himself. He'd been trying so hard not to do that. Strangely though, she didn't seem to mind. In fact, she smiled even wider and then she took him in. All the way in. She pulled her hand away and covered every inch of him with her mouth. It was heaven. It was the best thing he had ever felt in his entire life. But it wasn't right. She had to be choking, gagging on him by now. He tried to tell her she didn't have to, that he was sorry for jerking into her that way, that what she'd been doing before was fine, wonderful, earth shattering, but all that he was able to come up with was "Nuhhummm". She made a sound around him. Something like "Yuhhummm." He supposed it was as close to a conversation that they could get at that point. She looked happy. She really did. And she wasn't making any wretching noises even though he could feel himself sliding in and out of her throat. She reached under with her now free hand and started lightly stroking his balls. He made a high pitched squeaking sound and she stopped again. "Is this okay? Am I hurting you?" He shook his head frantically back and forth. "S'good. Donstopdonstop." She went back to exactly what she had been doing and he groaned her name. She moaned and he felt it vibrating around him. He was really, really close. He could almost hear the throbbing in his cock. He felt it everywhere. When he closed his eyes he saw stars, lights pulsing in time with the pounding in his groin. His toes curled up in the blanket and he squeezed on that braid like a life line. She sped up even more and tightened her big, perfect, blow job lips around him and everything inside him surged. He had to tell her. She needed to get out of the way. He was seconds away and she probably didn't even realize it. "Scu....Scu....uhh." She didn't seem to understand. Go figure. "Mmmm...gonna come...Scu...uh." That was a little better. But she still wasn't moving. Why wasn't she moving? He bit the inside of his lip to keep from exploding into her mouth. Did she realize what was going to happen? Could she possibly want that? He tried again to communicate some kind of warning. "Might...wanna....m...m....move." She laughed through her nose and rolled her eyes and he realized, she wanted it. She wanted him to come in her mouth. The realization was too much for him. "God, Scully...NOW!" he bellowed in a last ditch attempt. But she stayed with him as his body rose off the bed and he thrust uncontrollably into her mouth and pulled the bedsheets out and practically pulled her hair out. She stayed with him and she let every last drop of his semen shoot down her throat. When the final spasm was through she slipped his still partially erect sex out of her mouth and came to rest beside him. He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms possessively around her. He was still shaking. She wrapped her leg over his hip and he felt her heat again. He was probably covered in her juices by now. Not that he was bothered. He was starting to wonder if maybe she could bottle them for him. "So, um, was that okay?" He looked down at her in disbelief. She seemed to honestly not know. "Scully...Scully...God." He laughed. It was funny. She was so innocent and so...not. It was completely Scully. "God *damn* Scully. Are you sure you haven't done that before?" "I think I'd remember that Mulder." "It was...it was amazing Scully. Beyond words. Beyond anything. I can't even...God." He squeezed her tight and she ran her hand over his chest. "You um, you didn't have to swallow it ya know." She shook her head and chuckled. "I know that Mulder. I wanted to. I liked it. It tasted good." He smiled and pulled the rubberband from the bottom of one of her braids. For some reason they didn't seem appropriate anymore. "I liked it too Scully. I liked it a lot. It made me feel really good," he murmured as he ran his fingers through her hair, freeing it. Soon he'd undone both pigtails and spread her hair out around her face and over his chest. "You're so beautiful Scully. You know that don't you?" She shrugged. He got the impression that it wasn't something she'd ever even considered. She wasn't "the pretty one". She was the smart one or the athletic one or the shy one. Never the pretty one. But to him, she was the only one. Smartest, prettiest, strongest, no one else even compared. He wished he could show her herself through his eyes somehow. It was something he'd always wanted. He knew Scully wasn't insecure. Now or ever. But he also sensed that she didn't recognize her beauty. Especially this younger, less seasoned version of her. She seemed to think it odd that he would even suggest such a thing. "Well, you are. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen Scully. Trust me." He lifted her chin and forced her to look at him and she smiled and nodded. "I do trust you Mulder. I do." She really did. She trusted him so openly and so willingly it was frightening. He felt even more protective towards her than he had towards her older incarnation. She seemed so vulnerable sometimes, it broke his heart. He kissed her gently and she moaned and rubbed herself against his hip. He grinned to himself. He'd created a monster. He ran his hand through her hair and over her side, down the deep curve of her waist and over the round softness of her hip. He reached around to clutch the warm pillow of her backside. She really did have the most amazing body he'd ever seen, plastic or real. Strong and lean but curvy and soft in all the right places. She had a perfect hourglass shape even if it was in miniature. She was like a little angel. And a little sex kitten. A sex angel? If there was such a thing, she was one. He turned on his side and reached between them to stroke her between her legs. She seemed to be crying out for it. She moaned happily and gave him that smile that was starting to make him weak in the knees now that he knew exactly what it meant. "That feel good?" "Mmmyeah. Do it more." He ran his fingers back and forth over her and she arched into his hand with a groan. She seemed to like it a lot. He wondered why she had never done it to herself. Or if she had, why she'd never been able to bring herself to orgasm. He supposed it had something to do with her Catholic upbringing. Good religious girls weren't supposed to do things like that. It might not have kept her from trying but the guilt might have been enough to keep her from enjoying it. He was thrilled all over again that he'd managed to free her from that with him. He wondered if he could give her an even more valuable gift. "Scully, why don't you try to do it?" Her eyes shot open and the smile disappeared. "What? You don't want to?" "Oh, no Scully. It's not that. Believe me, it's not that. I just think it might be nice for you to be able to do it for yourself once in awhile. You're a very passionate woman Scully. It might be good for you to look inside yourself and learn how to make yourself feel good." He hoped he didn't sound too much like Doctor Ruth. She looked positively panicked. "You...you want me to do it in front of you?" Honestly, he hadn't even thought about that aspect of it. But God, it was certainly something to think about. "I would love it Scully. Mmmm, it would really turn me on." He massaged her clit delicately for emphasis and she cried out. Maybe if she realized that he was getting pleasure out of it, she wouldn't feel so guilty. "Oh..Mulder. I dunno...it would turn you on? Really?" She was blushing and chewing on her lower lip. It was the cutest thing he'd ever seen. "God Scully, I can't think of anything that would turn me on more." She whimpered. He took one of her hands in his free one and led it downwards. He placed it over the hand that was touching her. She rolled onto her back and pressed down on his hand, moaning. She was smiling again. Her fingers covered his and since he wasn't moving, she began directing them, leading him, touching herself through him. "That's good Scully. You show me what to do." He paid careful attention as she led his fingers through her folds and over her clit. He memorized each motion so that he would know how to repeat it. He leaned on his elbow and watched her, mesmerized. Her eyes were closed in concentration and her mouth was partly open. She was breathing in tiny little pants and sighs and her face was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Her hair was hanging down, partially covering her breasts, flowing over the pillow. She was the most stunning vision he had ever seen. She was so young but, he realized in that moment, she was far older than even he was. Her soul, she was an old soul. She was far more mature than he would ever be and even now she was the strong one. She'd been the one with the guts to tell him how she felt. She'd been the one to kiss him, to touch him. She'd broken down the barriers between them with such a carefree, sweet spirit, he could scarcely breath to think of it. Her youth of body had given her the innocence to make the first move without worrying about old scars, baggage, past hurts and mistakes. And her strength of soul had allowed her to do it without the paralyzing fear that gripped him constantly. She was young and she was old. He was just a fool. Even now she was saving him. She always would. All he could do was try to show her how to do the same thing for herself. And right now, this was the best he could do. She started trembling and gasping under him and he realized she was close again. She came even faster than he did. He slipped his hand out from under her so that it was only her hand touching herself. She stopped moving and looked at him imploringly. "M...Mulder?" "Go ahead baby. Finish it for me." "I...I can't." "Yes you can. Just pretend it's still my hand. Trust me Scully." He ran his hand over her forehead and placed a light kiss on her lips. "Mulder...I...you too." She nodded in the direction of his nether regions. He was surprised to look down and find himself fully erect again. What had it been, five minutes? The benefits of youth he supposed. And the benefits of Scully. So she wanted him to join her. Scully and her gender equality. Either that or she figured he would be embarrassed and drop the whole thing. Not likely at this point. He reached down and took his cock in his hand. She gasped, surprised but, he sensed, at least a little excited. He started sliding his hand over himself in a familiar rhythm and slowly but surely, her little hands started working on herself. He watched her middle finger working slow circles over her clit, then down to her entrance for more moisture which she spread over herself with a shudder. She was biting her lip still, trying to keep quiet it looked like. He increased the speed of his own motions and groaned loudly, hoping to encourage her, to show her it was okay to be liking this. Their eyes met and she smiled. "How does it feel Scully?" "Humm...good...I think. It's...a lot..." She pulled her hand away suddenly. "I think...I think I'm gonna come Mulder." He caressed her face with his free hand and kissed her shoulder. "It's okay Scully. Let it happen. Let it go." He ran his fingers over her cheek and her lips. He was surprised to feel her suck his index finger between her lips and into her mouth. She ran her tongue over it and he gasped and jerked himself harder. Her hand moved back between her legs and she seemed to only touch herself once before crying out and thrusting against her fingers. He felt her teeth around his finger and her nails digging into his arm and it was just enough. He gripped himself tightly as cum shot out of him and splattered on both of them. He called her name, as always. When he turned back to her, he was alarmed to see tears trailing down her cheek. She was crying. Yet again. He should have known. It was too much. He was the stupidest man that ever lived. He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. "What is it Scully? Are you okay?" She nodded but he heard her muffled crying against his chest. He felt her tears burning down his skin. "Sweetheart, what is it? I'm sorry. Was that really bad?" She looked up at him and shook her head. "No. No Mulder, it was...God I don't know what it was." "Are you upset?" "No I think....I think I'm happy. I'm sorry Mulder. It was just really intense." He kissed the top of her head and pulled her close. It was okay. She was okay. She was trembling in his arms but she'd stopped crying. They were okay. "Mulder, it was really good. I mean, I'm glad we did that. I mean...wow." She laughed into his chest and he laughed too. He pulled the blanket up to cover them both and she snuggled into him. "Can we do all that again soon Mulder?" "Anytime Scully. Anytime." She sighed and stretched her arms and legs out over him. Her hair spilled over his chest. He felt enveloped in her head to toe. Body and soul. She loved him. She was his. If only he could tell her how he felt. If only he could communicate the depth of his feelings to her. But he couldn't. Not until she knew the whole truth. He realized he couldn't continue this way for much longer. She wanted him to make love to her, to take her virginity. That's how much she trusted him. He needed to make himself worthy of that trust. He couldn't take her virginity, couldn't tell him he loved her, until she knew everything about how he had come to be in her life. He had to tell her. And soon. end part 7b Eleventh Hour (8/11) August 12, 1982 I've never felt time as an oppressive force before. All my life I've wished for it to hurry up already. I've waited for the months and years to pass so that I could be the person I needed to be. Independent, alone, free from the restrictions of youth and my parents and high school and everything else. Now I feel an almost claustrophobic sense of dread with every day that passes. Every hour. Every minute that goes by is another minute closer to the minute Mulder will get on that plane to England. We haven't discussed it. Not since that first night. He told me the date. September 3rd. He has his ticket. He has his class schedule. That's all I know. I'm not sure if denial or fear has kept us from talking about what exactly is going to happen when he steps on that plane. Will he write, call, visit? Will he stay faithful to me? I want to ask him these things but I think that I am afraid of the answers. I am afraid of what I will do, how I will feel if he tells me no. I have a secret hope that he will tell me at the last minute that he's changed his mind, he can't go anywhere without me. I want to ask him if he would ever consider staying here with me, going to the University instead, but again, I am afraid of the answer. I'm not sure if these unspoken questions are what have kept him from taking me completely. Something is holding him back, keeping him from breaking that final barrier. I am happy with what we do. He satisfies me in ways I never dreamt imaginable. He's taught me how to love my body and to give and take pleasure in limitless ways. But still I ache for more. I ache for him inside me. I need for him to be the one and I am afraid we are running out of time. How's that for melodrama? It's the truth though. I can't imagine giving myself to another man in that way. I can't imagine ever wanting that. I want Mulder to be the one, the only. I sense that he wants that too. I sense that he loves me as I love him. He still hasn't said those words, though he shows me every day. He is haunted. My deepest fear is that he is holding back because he knows he will be leaving me soon, that he doesn't want to take my virginity and run. I want to tell him that I don't care. I need him to do it even if I never see him again. But that would mean talking about the fact that he is leaving which, as I said, we never ever do. Scully sighed and dropped her pen on the living room table. She couldn't even write about it. She felt tears welling in her eyes already. How could life possibly be so unfair? She was trying to enjoy every minute she had with Mulder and not think about the future at all, but the future was rapidly becoming the present. And she didn't know what she would ever do without him. No one else could ever compare, even as a friend. Nothing in the world would fill the empty void that he would leave in her life. Her heart would be hollow without him there. Her musings were interrupted by a knock on the door. She looked at her watch. It was almost midnight. It had to be either one of Rebecca's many "gentleman callers" or Mulder. She looked down at her sweats and felt the messy bun piled onto her head and almost hoped it was one of Rebecca's jerks. She wiped the annoying tears from her eyes and walked to the door. She looked through the peephole and of course, it was Mulder. He never seemed to drop by unexpectedly when she was lounging around in a sexy silk robe or something. Not that she did that very often. She opened the door to find him tapping his foot nervously and running his fingers through his hair. "Mulder, I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow." He grinned sheepishly and shrugged. "Sorry." "No, it's okay. I was...I was just thinking about you. Come on in." "Actually, I was hoping you'd come out." He was speaking very quickly and didn't seem to even want to step through the doorway. "Come out? I don't..." she gestured towards her sloppy attire. "You look gorgeous. Just throw on some shoes and let's go." He was acting very odd. He wasn't usually this impatient or bossy but for some reason she couldn't refuse. She pulled on some sneakers and followed him to his car. She had to run to keep up. Once she was sitting in the passenger seat she glanced towards the back. There were some blankets there and a grocery bag. "Mulder, where are we going?" "Just a place," he waved his hand in the air and started the engine. He seemed extremely tense. He hadn't even kissed her hello or anything. He was in a damn hurry for some reason. A place? What the hell did that mean? "What's in the bag Mulder?" "Just some stuff." He pulled the car onto the road and she looked at him curiously. Something very odd was going on here. But she didn't even really care all that much. She was with Mulder. It was all that really mattered. xxxxx Mulder had only the vaguest notion of where they were going. They were going to the ocean. Scully loved the ocean. That was about as far as his knowledge went. He hoped the water freed her spirit enough to make her believe. He got on the highway and headed East, towards Delaware, towards the Atlantic. He hadn't planned on doing it this way. He'd planned on doing it at the Vineyard. But his mother had been there all the time, butting in and giving Scully weird looks. He'd planned on doing it once they got back. But the time never seemed right. He'd never had the guts. But for some reason when he'd been about to go to sleep, he'd decided tonight was it. It had to be tonight. It was time to tell her everything. He'd thrown together a makeshift picnic and bolted out the door before he lost the nerve again. He hoped they got wherever they were going before the sun came up. He had to do this at night. They sped through the darkness in silence for almost an hour. She seemed to sense that he had something to get off his chest, some purpose for this madness, but she was waiting for him to start talking. He loved her for it. She looked so beautiful tonight. He loved seeing her like this, natural and unadorned. He prayed that she would believe him. Or at least understand, still love him. If she stopped loving him he was sure he would die. "Mulder, are we almost to the place yet?" Her voice startled him. He jumped. He couldn't remember being this nervous in his life. "Um...yeah, sure." "Mulder, you don't even know where we're going do you? We're just driving around randomly in the middle of the night aren't we?" He looked over and saw that she was smirking. "Would that bother you Scully?" "Not really but you could tell me that. You don't have to pretend to know where you're going Mulder." He smiled because the whole thing was a miniature version of what he'd been doing since he'd been back here. Driving her around randomly, not knowing where they were going or if he was doing things the way he was supposed to, letting her think he knew what the hell was going on. "I'll know it when I see it Scully." He saw a sign for Delaware Bay and followed it. Once he got there he could turn South and they would eventually reach the ocean. "Well, wake me up when you find what you're looking for Mulder. I'm taking a nap." xxxxx Scully was in a dark, small place. She could barely breath, she couldn't speak, couldn't move. There was something on her mouth, over her eyes, her wrists. She was in some kind of a small enclosure, a closet maybe. And there was someone on the other side. Someone she couldn't see or hear but sensed. Someone whose very essence spoke of evil, vile things. He wanted to hurt her. He wanted to kill her. She was more frightened than she'd ever been in her life. Then suddenly there was brightness. White light slowly turning into outlines, figures, people, people coming to save her, police men, Mulder. Mulder was there. She was embarrassed. She didn't like him to see her so scared. She didn't want him to know that she was afraid to die. Then he touched her face, forced her to look at him, and she collapsed into his arms, letting herself cry, letting him see her. She let him hold her. He looked afraid to do that but he wrapped his arms around her anyway and it filled her heart. "Scully?" She woke to the feel of his hand on her shoulder. She was gasping for air. She still felt the gag. "Scully, are you okay? What is it?" "Dream. I...I dunno. Weird nightmare." He leaned over and hugged her for comfort and she realized that the car had stopped. They were there, wherever there was. "What about Scully?" She pulled reluctantly out of his embrace and looked around. They were in a dark, deserted parking lot. She heard waves. "Mulder, where are we?" "Assatteague Island." "Assawhat?" "It's an island. Off the coast of Delaware." "Looks more like a ghost town. Why are we here Mulder?" He shrugged and opened his door. "Let's go find out." He pulled the stuff from the back seat and hopped out of the car. "Come on," he called as he started heading quickly away. She followed him down to the beach. It was a beautiful night, clear and warm. They walked down to the shore and she took off her shoes to feel the water on her feet. The place was deserted and peaceful. Mulder certainly knew how to pick a romantic getaway. She had a surge of excitement. Maybe he'd taken her here to make love to her finally. But romance seemed far from his mind right now. Something was troubling him. "So, what was that nightmare about Scully?" She sighed, not really wanting to talk about the silly dream. She wanted to know what he had brought her here for. "Um, it was kind of odd. Stupid really. Someone was holding me captive in this closet thing. I dunno, it was really just a dumb nightmare Mulder." "What else happened?" God, what the hell? It was just a dream. She rolled her eyes impatiently and wondered again what the hell he was so nervous about. "I dunno, you came and saved me and then you hugged me and I dunno, you looked a little different, like older or something." "Oh, Scully. Oh God." He stopped walking and ran his fingers through his hair again. "What Mulder? What is it?" "That...it wasn't a dream Scully. It really happened." She was starting to get really worried about him. She was used to him acting peculiar but this was downright unsettling. "Mulder, what are you talking about?" "Over there Scully, come on." He pointed to a pile of rocks. She followed him to the huge, flat boulders that seemed to be growing out of the ocean. He led her to the top and placed the blankets down so that they could sit. The spray from the ocean hit them lightly but it was a few feet below. It was a very beautiful spot. The rock they were on jutted out over the water so all she could see in every direction was ocean and sky. And Mulder. He sat down beside her and started fussing with the things he'd brought. "Mulder, what did you mean by that, it really happened? What does that mean?" "I, I brought some peaches Scully. And um, strawberries, grapes, there's some bread and a bottle of wine..." He was laying these items out on the blanket as he described them to her. She was getting mildly frustrated. "Mulder, I don't want to eat. I want you to tell me what you were talking about. I want to know why you brought me here." He took a deep breath and turned to face her. He wouldn't meet her eyes. He looked like a frightened child. "Scully, I have something to tell you. Something very bizarre. You might not believe it. In fact I don't think you will. And it might make you hate me or be afraid of me but I can't keep it from you anymore. I've got to tell you now." Possibilities flashed through her mind, each more frightening than the last. He was gay. He was engaged. He was married. He found her repulsive. "Mulder, nothing could make me hate you and I know you would never lie to me but you are starting to scare me. Just tell me. It'll be okay." He took her face in his hands and finally looked in her eyes. There was so much there. So much intensity and love and raw terror in his eyes. "Do you trust me Scully? Do you believe in us?" "Of course I do." "Do you feel our connection?" "You know I do Mulder." "Do you know why you feel it?" She almost said, "Because I love you" but that wasn't really an answer. It was circular. He was asking her why. Why she had fallen so hard, so fast, so easily. And to that she had no answer. She shrugged helplessly. "I just...do Mulder." "Well, I know why you do Scully. It's because this isn't the first time we've met. I've known you for a long long time." xxxxxx Mulder took a deep breath and glanced towards the ocean. How in the world was he supposed to explain this? "Mulder, what does that mean? You've known me? I don't remember meeting you ever before." "You haven't Scully. I said that I've known you. Not that you've known me." He sighed and shook his head. This game of semantics was just going to confuse her even more. "Scully, I'm...I'm talking about the future, a future that's already happened, that I came back here to try to change." He realized how truly ridiculous the words sounded once they had filled the air between them and he wasn't surprised to see her scrunch up her face and hear her snort derisively. "What the hell are you talking about Mulder?" He bit back the overwhelming urge to make a joke, let her think he'd been kidding around with her, trying to make her think he was some kind of supernatural hero out of a sci-fi novel. But this was honesty night and he wasn't gonna back out now that he was already half way to making a fool out of himself. "Scully I...I'm from the future." He almost laughed himself at that one. "Mulder, what does that *mean*?" She wasn't even mildly amused anymore. She was probably starting to get scared that she'd been having oral sex with an escaped mental patient. Mulder shuddered, realizing that that was actually what she had been doing. "Scully, I know this sounds odd, insane even, but it's the truth. My...my brain, it's...it came back, from the future, from twenty years in the future. This...this body is mine but it's...it's not. It's me but it's not the me that my brain is from." He stopped, utterly frustrated. He couldn't even explain it to himself. How could he have expected to explain it to her? "So, you're saying that you just jumped backwards in time, into your past? Is that what you're saying Mulder?" She wasn't angry. She wasn't even really upset. She was just...Scully. Skeptical as ever but willing to listen, willing to give him a chance. "I guess...yes. That's what I'm saying Scully. I didn't intend to go back this far. Only a couple months but it was um...kind of an experiment in the first place. I didn't even expect it to work. I certainly didn't expect to meet you here and now but it happened Scully. It all happened." She was silent for a long agonizing moment. When she turned away from him he thought for sure that he had lost her. "Scully..." He took her chin in his hand and forced her to look at him. There were tears of confusion forming in her eyes. "Scully please. I know you can feel what we have. That dream you had, it was something from our future. I know you can feel the truth of what I'm saying somewhere inside of you. You have to let yourself believe it though. You have to want to believe." "Mulder..." "Scully please, please believe me. I need you to believe me." "Mulder, I need you to tell me why. I need you to tell me why you're here." xxxxxx Scully sat quietly and she listened to him. She'd asked him to tell her the story of their "future" together more out of concern for his well being than anything else. She wanted to keep him calm, to keep him talking. She wanted to listen to him and try to figure out where this insanity was coming from. It scared her seeing him like this. She hadn't known what to expect from his story but what he told her was certainly surprising. It was a very long, intricate tale. So precise in detail that it might have taken a person years to concoct. It was a strange tale. So strange that she couldn't imagine it coming from someone's wildest imaginings. She wasn't sure what to believe anymore and part of her was certain that this was all some kind of a sick joke he was playing but as he told her more and more, she felt something resonate in her despite herself. She told herself over and over that it was crazy, that she shouldn't believe it, but somehow, something told her it was just...right. She found herself growing more and more wrapped up in his tale as he spoke. She listened with concentration and fascination. It really did sound like them and it was actually sounding like a pretty good, if somewhat unusual future. Fighting the bad guys, living an adventure, and always together. That was the best part. Mulder was her future. She did want to believe. But then things took a bit of a down turn. On and on the stories went, each more horrific than the last and she noticed that as he told her, silent tears ran down his cheeks. He was reliving these things. So many terrible things they had been through together. But through the entire ordeal, one thing had been constant. Their unwavering devotion to and faith in one another. She reached over and wiped his cheek with her hand. "Mulder, why did you come back here? What happened to me?" He turned to her, his face suddenly clouded in darkness. "Do you believe me Scully? Do you?" She did. God help her, she did. He seemed so deeply effected by what he was telling her. And she felt the truth of his words. She felt it deep in her soul. She nodded and smiled encouragingly even though her heart was full of fear. "We...we were on a case. A murder case. You...you went after the killer and you caught him but you did it all alone, you didn't have any back up and you didn't tell me where you were going because there wasn't any time and I...I was very angry. I yelled at you because I was afraid to tell you how I really felt, because I was a coward Scully...I couldn't...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." His shoulders slumped forward and the tears flowed more profusely down his face. She stroked his hair lightly and then suddenly he fell into her, burying his face between her breasts and squeezing her so tight around the waist she could barely breathe. "Mulder, it's okay. I...I'm sure I knew." She continued stroking his hair, trying to soothe him but he was crying out loud now, hiccuping and whimpering into her chest like a little boy. "It's not okay Scully," he moaned through his choking sobs. "It's not. I left and I told you to go. I made you go and you went and he...God Scully...he..." "He who? Mulder, what happened?" "He killed you Scully!" he wailed against her and his entire body shook. "He killed you and you died and it's my fault. It was all my fault." She felt her stomach drop hearing the words. It was what she had been fearing. Died. She had died. He had come back to keep her from dying. Dead at thirty-eight. She didn't want to believe anymore. If she had any doubts though, she was now completely convinced that he was telling her the truth. He would never make something like this up, and if he had, it wouldn't be so devastating for him to talk about it. She felt the moisture from his profuse tears leaking through the heavy material of her sweatshirt already. He was sobbing over and over that it was all his fault. She needed to tell him it wasn't, couldn't have been. But she could barely speak, barely move. Dead. Dead at thirty-eight. And Mulder, she had left him alone. She had died and left him with no one, desperate enough to try this crazy thing in the first place. She swallowed back the tears she felt welling and stroked his hair again. "It wasn't your fault. Mulder, it couldn't have been. It wasn't." "It was Scully. It was. You died because of me, because I'm such a coward. Scully you died because I couldn't tell you I loved you. That's why I came back Scully. To tell you I love you so you won't die." She let herself fall into the blankets from the force of his weight on her. He fell with her and lay beside her, his head still buried in her chest. She spoke soothingly to him and continued to stroke his hair and his neck. "I knew Mulder. I'm sure I knew. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault." "I'm sorry I never told you Scully. I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you forever." "I know Mulder. I know." And she did. But it was so nice to finally hear it. She'd had no idea how long she'd been waiting. end part 8 Eleventh Hour (9/11) She believed him. She believed him and forgave him and still loved him. And she knew he loved her. She had always known. Of course. He let himself enjoy the feel of her comforting embrace for a moment. Then he realized how she must be feeling, hearing about her death like that, it had to be terrifying. He loosened his death grip on her a little bit and looked up from the comfortable warmth of her chest. Her eyes were closed and her face was wet with tears. He ran his hands over her cheeks. "Scully, don't cry Scully, don't be scared. It's okay now. I promise you, it's not gonna happen again. I'm never gonna let anything like that happen to you ever again." He knew it was a stupid promise to make. He had no idea what the future held for them now, if he'd screwed things up even more by coming back here. "Mulder...I know, it's just...I can't believe you had to go through all that. I'm so sorry Mulder." "Don't Scully. It's okay, you're okay now. That's what matters the most to me." He was starting to think maybe this had been his biggest mistake yet. She was still crying. "I'm sorry Scully. I don't think I should have told you any of this." She shook her head vehemently. "No, you should have. I'm glad that you did. Really glad. Now it's...it's ours Mulder. I can share these memories with you now Mulder, good and bad. You don't have to be alone anymore." He wondered how it was possible to keep loving her more every day of his life. She was right. This was theirs, and sharing it with her had allowed him to let her in completely, to love her fully. He kissed her with a new passion, a startling intensity which she returned in kind. He trailed his mouth over her face, down her neck, tasting the salt of her tears and the sweetness of her skin and she moaned and wrapped her leg around him. "Mulder," she whispered, "It's time. I want you to make love to me. Here. Tonight." Yes, yes it was time. It was finally time. It was finally right. He felt that with absolute certainty. He slipped his hands under her sweatshirt, exploring the warm terrain underneath. He was happy to discover that she wasn't wearing a bra. Her nipples felt hard as rocks, probably more due to the cold from the incoming tide than anything else. But as he ran his fingers over them she arched under him and sighed. She reached down and pulled the top off and he noticed that water was splashing over them. The ocean was getting closer. It made her body glisten in the moonlight. Drops of seawater collected on her breast and he leaned down to suckle them off. He wrapped his mouth over her nipple and she clutched his hair hungrily. He moved so that he was laying on top of her and she pulled his T-shirt off clumsily. He noticed that her arms were trembling. "Scully, are you sure you want this? I can wait as long as you need." "No Mulder!" Her frantic reply startled him. "I want this. No more waiting. I NEED this Mulder." She arched against him, scraping her nails down his back. "God, I need it." She needed it. Needed him. It was real. After everything he had just told him, she needed him still. He allowed himself to feel it, to believe it. He ran his hands over her body and covered her mouth in another kiss. He thought he could taste eternity. She was a woman. Not a child. He let himself see her that way for perhaps the first time since this had begun. And he gave himself permission to treat her that way, to take her like a woman. His tongue scraped the insides of her cheeks, probed the back of her throat and she sucked on it, pulling him deeper into her. She bit at his lips with her teeth and slid her hands over his bare back and down under the denim of his jeans, the cotton of his boxers. She grabbed his ass and he thrust against her in response. He ran his hands down her torso and tugged at the tie of her sweatpants. It came undone and he pulled them over her hips. Christ. She wasn't wearing any underwear either. He realized that he had probably dragged her out of the house in the clothing she was about to sleep in. He wasn't sure why that turned him on so much but there wasn't much about his hormones that he understood. He rolled to the side so that he could lay beside her and pull her pants completely off. So that he could touch her. He ran his fingers reverently over her belly and into the damp forest between her legs. She cried out as he rubbed her the way she had shown him that first night. He watched her face as he continued to touch her but his glance was averted temporarily to the pile of food he'd been inexplicably motivated to bring along with them. He remembered a fantasy he'd been given to fixating on back in the old days. Other days. Whatever it had been. Maybe his choices hadn't been as random as he'd thought. xxxxx He was asking her something. Something...what was it? She could barely make it out. Everything was fuzzy except for the exquisite feeling of his hand between her legs. Why did he have to talk at moments like this? She didn't usually mind, in fact she enjoyed his passionate ramblings, except when he actually expected her to talk back, to communicate coherently. "Hmmmwha?" "I said are you hungry Scully?" Hungry? She thought it was pretty obvious that she was hungry. For him, for this. How could he even ask? "Cause I'm kinda hungry. I was thinking about all that food I brought." All that food he brought?! Her eyes shot open in complete confusion. He was thinking about food? Now? "You must be hungry after all that huh?" He had to be kidding. What the hell was he talking about? "Mulder, I...I don't...ahhh" She lost the power of speech as two of his fingers plunged deep into her. He moved them slowly in and out as he massaged her clit with his thumb. This was more like it. Just a little more and... Then he was gone. He was reaching over her body, towards the damned food. "Mulder! Dammit!" "Don't cry sweetheart, I'll be back," he mumbled with an idiotic grin. She felt like slapping him. He picked up the bottle of wine and a corkscrew and sat up to open the stupid thing. It was a long laborious process and she was starting to really get angry. Was he just stalling? Did he not want this the way she thought he did? He was struggling to get the bloody corkscrew out and he gave her a nervous shrug. She rolled her eyes and wondered if she should just jump into the sea and end it all. Finally she heard the thing pop and he took a swig from the bottle. He held it towards her. "Have some Scully. It's great." She bit her lip to avoid screaming out loud and sat up, leaning on her elbows. He brought the bottle to her lips and turned it slightly so she could sip it. It tasted surprisingly good. Probably because every sensory organ in her body was on full alert at the moment. He pulled the bottle back and some droplets dripped down her chin like drool. He smiled and leaned down, licking the moisture from her face. She moaned at the feeling of him on her again and moved to get his tongue back in her mouth but he pulled away. He bent over her again and she watched the way the moonlight played over his chest and back. His back, she loved his back. She had a sudden image of his back looming over her body, muscles tensed with effort, his beautiful behind pumping into her in a frenzy. She groaned with frustration and he turned back to her with a carton of strawberries and that same idiotic grin. He took one out and dangled it over her mouth. "Want some Scully." She shrugged and went to bite it but he pulled it away from her. "Not like that Scully. Savor it. Little bites." She leaned back on her elbows with a sigh. Why was he toying with her this way? He brought the berry back to her mouth and ran the tip over her lower lip. She licked it in what she hoped was enough of a seductive gesture to get him back between her legs. He seemed to like it because he made a little Mulder excited sound but still he made no move for her. She took a tiny bite off the tip and chewed it. It did taste amazing. As she savored the little bit in her mouth Mulder ran the now open strawberry over her lips, covering them with the juice. Then, thank GOD, his tongue was back, licking the taste from her. She opened her mouth and he slipped inside, tasting the tiny bit of fruit she hadn't yet swallowed. He moaned quite loud and she was sure she had him now. But then he pulled back again. And he ate the rest of the strawberry in one huge bite. "What happened to savoring Mulder?" "Mmm...I just wanted to see you do that," he muttered, his mouth full. He took another one and brought it to her mouth. "You can have more of this one Scully." "Oh thanks. Thanks a lot." She smiled despite her frustration. She was starting to understand that he wasn't really stalling. He was playing with her. And it really was pretty cute. He seemed to really be excited about feeding her like this. She bit the top half off the next one and chewed it slowly as he watched with rapt fascination. He ran the open end of the uneaten half down her chin and smoothly down her neck. The juice felt sticky and cold but surprisingly good on her skin. Especially when he started licking it off. HIs tongue felt hot and wonderful against her neck and she arched her whole body towards him, hoping he would give all of her the same treatment. He ran the fruit down, over her breasts as he continued to lick and suck on her neck. When she felt the juicy coldness on her nipple she cried out from the feel of it. Then she felt his tongue there, lapping at her, and she moaned and pulled her arms out from under herself. She let herself collapse back into the blankets and he fell with her. She tangled her fingers in his hair, clutching his head to her breast in a desperate attempt to keep him there. This whole eating naked thing was cute and all but she was ready for more. He stayed with her, suckling at her breast and continuing to run the strawberry down her body. The moisture on her belly caused her to tremble. Wherever the berry went, Mulder's mouth was sure to follow. Her breast, now moist with saliva, slipped from his lips and his tongue followed the strawberry trail as she had expected. When his tongue flicked in and out of her navel she looked down. Her hips had begun to gyrate off the ground without her knowledge. He was so close... "God...Mulder, please!" But once again, he was gone. He sat back on his knees and reached for another strawberry from the carton and ran her hand over her face in frustration. Weren't women the ones who were supposed to go in for this erotic foreplay? She watched him carefully remove the stem from the new berry and noticed that his hands were trembling. Maybe she wasn't the only one getting anxious. She was shocked to feel the cold, bumpy texture of the strawberry sliding inside her. She gasped and caught his eyes. He winked at her and softly told her, "I'm still kinda hungry Scully." xxxxxx He hoped to God that she didn't think he was a crude pig for wanting to do this. It was just one of those things, one of those countless images from his old life that he could never seem to chase away. They would creep up on him at the most inconvenient and embarrassing times, in the office, in the middle of an autopsy, when they were sitting in his car, eating greasy chicken out of a bag and staking out some seedy apartment building. All of the sudden he would picture himself, eating a strawberry out of her vagina, just completely out of the blue. It didn't really qualify as a fantasy in the strict sense of the word. It wasn't something he would sit at home and jerk-off thinking about, wishing he could do. It was just something that he would see, utterly against his will. He looked down at the narrow end of the strawberry, peering out from inside her, and realized that it was in fact, one of the more beautiful things he had ever imagined. More beautiful in life even than in his mind. He moved his head between her legs and they spread wide for him, shaking as they did. He stroked her thighs soothingly as he started to suck lightly on the fruit. So juicy and sweet and a little bit tangy now as it mixed with her flavor. He took a small bite, watching her chest rise and fall erratically. He knew he was making her insane and he couldn't help but gather some satisfaction from that. Although his own self control was declining rapidly. He was enjoying the strawberry but he was consumed with the need to taste Scully, just Scully. He took another large bite then finally sucked what was left out of her and into his mouth. It was the most amazing thing he had ever tasted. He let it roll around in his mouth for a moment, savoring the stunning combination of flavors and textures. Scully was much much better than chocolate sauce. She was also moaning and writhing under him, waiting for him. When he was finished with his snack he moved onto the main course, plunging his tongue inside her. He swirled around in her, trying to find another morsel of strawberry, to lick her clean. She clutched his head with the same ferocity she had demonstrated when he'd been at her breast before. She was trembling quite hard and her feet were curled up into little balls in the blanket. He slid his tongue out of her and ran over the outer lips of her vulva. She whimpered in that helpless way that told him she was very close to orgasm and he pressed his tongue, flat and hard, against her clit. A few small circular motions were all it took. He stayed with her as the spasms overtook her body and she cried out his name over and over. It was the best thing in the world, hearing her call to him when she came. She always did, every time. Even when it was her own hands doing the work. And it melted his heart and turned his dick to steel. He kept his head between her legs as she trembled against him, continuing to caress her with his tongue until she tugged on his hair, signaling that it was finally too much. He moved up to kiss her mouth and she surprised him with her frenzied response. Usually she was relatively calm after orgasm but tonight she was almost crazed. Her legs wrapped themselves tightly around his back and she bit and licked at his face and neck while humming almost constantly in the back of her throat. Before he knew what was happening her hands were between them, working on the buttons of his jeans. She grunted with frustration as she tried to pull them off so he helped her. Soon they and his boxers were lying in a pile with his shirt and her clothes. As soon as he felt his cock pressing against her hot, wet center he felt almost dizzy with want. And he was afraid. Afraid that he wanted her too much to really do this, that he would end up hurting her, moving too fast, too hard, that he would lose all control. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He listened to the ocean for a moment. It was moving closer to them. The spray from the waves was hitting them almost constantly now. It almost felt like rain. In a few hours this place would be completely submerged. He decided to meditate on that for a moment, to concentrate on the gentle, calm movements of the waves, rolling in slowly, soothingly... "Mulder...God Mulder. Fuck me. Do it now!" The ocean disappeared and all he could feel or hear or see or smell was her soft, hungry body, arching under him, rubbing against him. Telling him to fuck her. Jesus Christ. He wondered if she would ever understand what that did to him. He reached over into his jeans pocket for the condom he'd been carrying around with him since that first night they had been together and sat back on his knees to put it on. God knows, getting an eighteen year old Scully pregnant was not high on his list of priorities. Once he was done he took himself in his hands and gently probed her entrance. She was certainly wet and ready for him but he knew it wasn't going to be as easy as all that. It was going to hurt her. A lot. And it made him terribly sad to think that. And nervous. He'd never had sex with a virgin and it was something he'd never really planned on. If he screwed it up he would never be able to forgive himself. He counted slowly to himself in his head and tried to concentrate on one single word. Slow. Do it slow. Very, very slow. He pushed a little bit and she opened to let him in. He looked at her face for a sign of discomfort. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was partially opened. She looked okay. Hell she looked amazing, but he tried not to think about that too much. Then he pressed a little further and her eyes shot open. She gasped and bit her lip. He was hurting her. God, he was hurting her. "Scully, are you okay? Should I stop? Does it hurt?" "No, no don't stop. It hurts a little but it's okay. It's supposed to hurt. Keep going Mulder." He was still for a moment to let her get used to the feel and then moved another inch or so inside. It was supposed to hurt. God, it was so unfair. She felt so fucking good to him. She was so tight, so wet, and she was Scully and it was all he could do to keep from ramming into her like a lunatic and ripping her open. He bit down on his lip to keep from doing just that. And to share in the pain a little bit. "Is that it Mulder? Is it all the way in?" God, Scully. How could he hurt her this way? He wasn't even halfway inside her. "Mulder?" "Um, yeah. Yeah it is." He could just pretend. It didn't have to be all the way in. He could do it like this. It would be fine. "Mulder, it's not is it? Just do it Mulder. Just like jumping in the pool. All the way." "Scully...I..." Suddenly her hands were on his backside, shoving him deep inside her before he had a chance to stop it. He groaned and shuddered despite himself at the feeling. He was in. All the way. And it felt so fucking good. So good. He could lose himself very easily. She grimaced and he could tell that she was trying not to cry out from the pain. He leaned down and touched her face lightly. "Th..that's it. It's all the way. Are...are you okay?" She nodded but he could tell she really wasn't. He moved so that his whole body was covering hers and took her cheeks in his hands, kissing her softly. He rested his elbows on either side of her head and was somewhat gratified when his bone grated against the hard surface of the rock underneath the blanket. Pain was good. He needed pain. He needed to share this with her as much as humanly possible. And he needed something to distract him from his urges. "You just tell me when it stops hurting Scully," he whispered. He would wait. He wouldn't move an inch until she was ready. xxxxx When it stops hurting. Scully wondered if that day would ever come. She felt like her insides were being torn apart. Why did she have to be a virgin? It was so unfair, so aggravating. She could see that he wanted to start moving, to really fuck her good. He was shaking from the effort of remaining still. And she wanted it too. In her head. Her stupid body seemed to have other plans though. He was being so sweet, so tender and caring. She appreciated it more than she could ever express but it was also starting to drive her a little buggy. It was really amazing lying here in his arms, feeling him inside her, but she knew she wasn't going to really enjoy this on a physical level. She was doing it for the way it made her feel in her heart. And part of her just wished he would take her in a way that he would really enjoy, a way that would at least give her the vicarious pleasure. "Mulder, it's okay, you can move. It's okay." He let out a breath she hadn't noticed him holding before and started to drag himself slowly out of her. She felt as though she could feel every vein on his throbbing erection scraping against her insides. She wondered how it could possibly hurt so much when his fingers didn't hurt her at all. But despite the pain, she was happy. Happy to see the gratified look on his face and hear his voice quavering on a moan. She could definitely get used to this. He pulled almost completely out of her and she was grateful for the temporary respite, until his smile turned to a frown, and his face took on a look of terror she had never seen. He was looking down between them. "Scully..." She looked down too and saw the problem. She was bleeding. It was on him. "Oh, Mulder...I...I'm sorry..." She didn't know what else to say. It was so embarrassing. He had to be utterly disgusted. "Scully...sorry? No Scully, it's...it's my fault. I hurt you. I...I broke you Scully." He was just sitting there on his knees, looking between them with an expression of shock and remorse, like he'd just stabbed someone accidentally. It was ridiculous. "Mulder, you didn't break me..." she almost laughed repeating the words. He was so silly sometimes. "It's supposed to bleed Mulder. It's normal." "I...I know but it, it seems like a lot. Are you sure you're okay? I mean, do, do you need to go to the hospital or something?" She bit down on her lip to keep from laughing out loud this time. The hospital? He was really over the edge here. It was sweet that he was so worried about her but it was so absurd. "Mulder you don't...people don't...it's a broken hymen Mulder. You don't go to the hospital for that." She started giggling uncontrollably at the look of confusion and concern on his face. How could someone be so simultaneously brilliant and naive? When she started laughing though, he smiled. "Are you laughing at me Scully? Is that what you're doing? Cause it sounds a lot like you're laughing at me." She continued to laugh and he joined her. They sat there partially joined, giggling for a long time. It was beautiful to see him laugh. He didn't do it very often and it was a wonderfully soothing thing. It relaxed her. And it made her forget the pain. It made everything feel good. Maybe she could enjoy this after all. After they had calmed down a bit she smiled at him encouragingly. "So, does the blood bother you Mulder? Do you wanna stop?" He looked startled and shook his head. "Only if you do Scully. It only bothers me because I don't wanna hurt you." She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down for a kiss. He moved back over her body and pushed gently and slowly inside her again. It didn't hurt as much as the first time. It still wasn't great but it was better. "Keep going Mulder, it feels good." And it did. As he gently started moving inside her, holding her face in his hands and grinning at her, she felt better than she ever had in her life. The sheer joy of seeing him like this, sharing in his happiness, was enough to make the pain irrelevant. After several moments of his slow, sensual and rhythmic thrusting inside her she started to feel like she might even be able to get some physical gratification. Not an orgasm certainly but it was starting to feel pretty nice. She noticed that he was starting to quiver against her and that he was panting heavily into her mouth as he kissed her. His movements sped up a little bit and he pulled back from her. He flattened his palms against the ground and rose up on his arms and she watched as his face contorted into a grimace of pleasure. "So good Scully...you feel sooo gooood..." His eyes slipped shut and he reached down, pulling her legs up so that they rested on his shoulders. It let him deeper inside and surprisingly it made the pain almost disappear entirely. She was wide open. He looked down at her questioningly. "Okay? S'okay?" he asked as he started pumping into her harder, faster. "Mmmyeah. S'better." He nodded and closed his eyes again. He looked so radiant, so sexy, so damned happy. His body was covered with a mixture of sweat and sea water, every muscle tensed in effort, his face a vision of rapture. He started moving even faster and every time he pounded into her, her body shook. His almost constant moaning was now interspersed with an occasional little "yeah" which for some reason, made her incredibly hot. He seemed very close. She hoped he wasn't waiting for her. She hoped he knew and understood that it just wasn't going to happen for her this time. His pumping grew less rhythmic, more frantic and frenzied and she moaned encouragingly. Then suddenly he stopped. He looked down at her almost pleadingly. "Scully? I..." "It's okay Mulder. It's okay. I want you to come for me. Come for me, please." "I don't...I...." She grabbed his ass and moved underneath him and he cried out and bit his lip. "Give it to me Mulder. Let it go." Finally he let himself go completely, driving into her with an almost superhuman force, over and over, lost to her, lost in her. He was hers. His eyes flew open and he captured her with his last conscious thought, his last coherent words. "Love you Scully. Love you. Love you. Love you." She felt him expand inside her and then as he made a sound that reminded Scully of a wolf howling at the moon, she felt him explode, filling her womb with a heat she had never known. xxxxx Water. Lots of water. Mulder was very wet. And it wasn't just Scully wetness. He had no idea how long he'd been lying on top of her body in a semi conscious state but at some point the tide had rolled in completely. They were lying in a rapidly growing pool of water. The blanket was soaked and he saw the carton of strawberries floating out to sea. They would be joining them soon if they didn't move. And their clothes. Shit! His car keys. He moved off of her reluctantly and grabbed his jeans before they were swept away. Scully sat up and chuckled at him as he gathered their things frantically. Very amusing. Leave it to him to pick a romantic hideaway that turned into a deathtrap. He tossed her her clothes and she pulled them on hurriedly. He put on his jeans and grabbed his shirt and her hand, leading her quickly off the rock and back to safe, dry land. They found a bench that was far away from the water and sat down to watch the rocks be consumed by the ocean. Well Scully watched that. Mulder couldn't take his eyes off her. He didn't really know what to say to her to make this better. She couldn't have possibly enjoyed that but he almost felt too awkward to even apologize. They sat in silence for several minutes and he became more and more convinced that she was trying to think of a delicate way to tell him that it had been the worst experience of her life. Why had he even tried? He'd known he wouldn't be able to control himself. She turned to him suddenly and smiled. "Mulder, that was wonderful. Thank you." "Thank..." he choked and shook his head. She had to be kidding. Or being polite. "Scully, you didn't even come. It lasted about five minutes! I was horrible Scully. I just...I wanted it so bad. I couldn't..." he couldn't keep talking because his throat constricted. He felt tears welling in his eyes and had to look away from her. "Mulder..." she stroked his hair and tried to turn his face towards hers. "Mulder look at me." He turned to her and looked at her knees. She put her hand under his chin and forced him to meet her eyes. "Mulder, stop. It was perfect. Nobody comes the first time. No women anyway. I wanted you to give yourself to me, completely, to let yourself go. And you did that. It was just what I wanted Mulder." The tears started flowing freely down his face and he bit back a sob. She still loved him. She didn't think he was a pathetic excuse for a man. She still wanted him. He slung his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him, squeezing her tight. "I...I'll do better next time Scully. I promise. I'll make it good for you." She sighed heavily and shook her head against his chest. "Do you have a listening impairment Mulder? It was great for me. I loved it." "I know but..." "No buts Mulder. I loved it this time. I'll love it the next time. And every time. Because I love you. I'll love you forever." end part 9 Eleventh Hour (10/11) September 3, 1982 Scully looked down at her plate with a heavy, nauseous feeling. It had been nearly half an hour since the waitress had set it down and she'd only managed to stomach a forkful. Mulder seemed to be faring equally poorly. They sat in the fancy restaurant in downtown Annapolis without speaking, without eating. The only movement seemed to be Mulder's incessant fingers drumming on the table cloth. He was nervous. She could tell this much. She was something that went beyond nervous, to a place of fear and dread that she had never inhabited. Almost an entire month had gone by since she had given her body to him on that beach in Delaware. An entire month spent together laughing, making love, talking. Talking, but never about this. Never about tonight, or tomorrow, or what happened after that. They were putting it off, both of them. She realized that. Pretending that it wasn't going to happen, that it didn't have to happen. And deep inside, she still harbored a hope that it wouldn't. But one look at his dismal face across the table told her otherwise. He had bad news to tell her tonight. Perhaps worse that she had feared. The waitress drifted by and looked vaguely surprised when he gestured for the check. She dropped it on the table without a word though. Obviously the dire mood between them was apparent even to a complete stranger. He dropped a pile of bills on the table and reached for her hand. Without a word he led her out into the night. They walked hand in hand, still silent, down the boardwalk for several minutes. Scully felt strangely put off by the bustle of evening activity, by the calm of the water and the pretty lights from the buildings. This was a place that usually made her happy, a place she knew was going to be ruined for her very soon. It seemed so wrong that it was the same as always, that people here were carrying on as if it were just another night, another hour. She felt like the world was about to end and she was the only person who realized it. When he stopped walking and leaned against the railing, letting go of her hand, turning to her somewhat reluctantly, she thought for sure that she heard the sky falling. "Scully..." It was all he said for a long time. She stood beside him, looking out at the water. She heard a little baby crying and it comforted her in a small way. She wasn't alone at least. When he started talking again, it was a torrent of words, some that she heard, some that just echoed in her brain without ever settling into a logical pattern. "I have to go..." was how he started. The rest scarcely mattered to her. She listened to his careful, well thought out arguments. She was too young to have this kind of relationship, he would only end up hurting her by staying around, he would suffocate her, make it impossible for her to grow or to learn, he had no idea how much he had screwed things up by coming back here in the first place and he didn't want to tempt fate any further, something was telling him it was time to go. As he spoke she continued to stare at the water, nodding a few times when his words rang true, clutching the rail with whitening knuckles. She felt the tears building inside her and she bit her lip to hold them back. She couldn't, wouldn't look at him. It would only make it worse. "Scully..." He reached for her face and she jerked away reflexively. If he touched her she was sure she would crumble into a million pieces. "We'll see each other again Scully. I have to believe that. It's the only hope I have in this life." His voice cracked as he spoke and she finally looked at his face. His eyes were full of water and pain and horror. And she understood. This wasn't his choice. Not really. He was doing what he thought was right for her, for the future, for them. She couldn't be angry with him for this and that made the whole situation even more painful. "Do you understand Scully? Do you believe?" She wasn't sure how to answer that. Yes she understood. She understood why he was making the choice but she didn't understand the cruelty of fate that forced him to make it. Yes she believed that they were destined for each other but destiny had let her die once before, what would it do to them now? Yes she believed that he loved her, that he would wait for her for eternity but could she believe that their time would ever come? She nodded as she felt a cold, bitter tear fall down her face. She wasn't about to beg. He reached between them again and stroked her cheek with his thumb, catching the moisture. "Forever Scully. I swear to God." He leaned down to kiss her and she kissed him back with everything she had in her, everything she possessed to show him what he was to her, to show him that she too would wait, would love, forever. They kissed with a desperation and neediness that frightened her. It felt like falling into a black hole. She clutched at his jacket for support, feeling as though her legs might simply give out from under her at any moment. The salt of their tears and saliva mixed on her face and she tried to memorize the taste. When he pulled back it was like ripping duct tape off her body. His eyes were still closed and he backed away from her. "Go Scully." "I ca..." "Go now. Please." He still wouldn't open his eyes. He turned his back to her completely, unable to watch her walk away from him. She stumbled backwards a few steps, unable to stop watching his shaking form. When she was several feet away from him she remembered something important and ran back. She grabbed his shoulder. "Mulder..." "Scully PLEASE!" he cried, unwilling to turn around. She pulled the tiny piece of gold from her neck and placed it in his open palm from behind him. She closed her fingers around his hand and kissed the back of his neck. "Keep this safe for me," she whispered before turning and walking the road back to her apartment alone. xxxxx "Mulder, are you all right?" The frantic shout was almost as loud as the pounding on the bathroom door. Mulder muttered something noncommittal to make Mark go away and heaved over the toilet again. He couldn't remember ever in his life feeling as foul, as dirty. This was wrong. It was all hideously and deeply wrong. Twisted. Who the hell had he thought he was coming back here? He hadn't saved her, he'd only hurt her sooner. He didn't think he would ever be able to forget her tears tonight. He'd been sobbing himself uncontrollably since she'd handed him her cross and walked away from him on that pier. Sobbing so hard that when he'd finally managed to drive himself home he'd ended up vomiting up every ounce of food in his stomach. He didn't know what he was doing anymore. He didn't know what in God's name he was supposed to be doing. He thought this was the right decision but how was he supposed to know? How was he supposed to be sure when it made him feel like dying and hurt her so badly? He couldn't live without her. How was he supposed to live without her? "How?" he asked in the empty room. "HOW?" He stood up and held the sink for support, looking at himself in the dingy mirror. There was bile dripping from his chin. There was the same darkness in his eyes that he'd seen after she'd died. "How, you stupid son of a bitch? How?" And he knew the answer. There was no way. He couldn't do this. It was impossible. He didn't care if he was screwing with fate, playing God, whatever. He didn't care if every bone in his body was telling him to go, go now before he screwed things up. He didn't care if it was bad for both of them in the long run, he needed to be with her now, while he still had the chance. He looked again at his deranged visage in the mirror. No. He couldn't do that to her, he couldn't stay. But he couldn't go. He brought both his fists to the mirror and slammed into it, harder than he had intended. Shards of broken, reflective glass, stuck to his hands, crashed to the floor. He sank to the floor with them, to his knees. Blood from his hands covered his face as he weeped into them. He felt another heave building in him but he knew there was nothing left inside. He was empty. "What the hell am I supposed to DO?" he moaned to himself. He reached into his pocket and took out the memento that she had given him. Her cross. He thought back to other times, to the significance of that small piece of jewelry, to how much it meant to her and what it meant for her to give it to him. His faith had screwed them up. It had screwed them up royally. Maybe it was time to give what she believed in a fighting chance. He held the chain in his fingers, dangling the cross in front of his face and looked upwards. At least he was in the right position. "Um...I've never exactly done this. I mean I don't really know..." He broke off into another choking sob. He felt ridiculous but maybe, just maybe. It was his last hope. "I just...I need her. I mean I really, really need her. And she..." he swallowed a gasp and tears stung the back of his throat. "She believes in you so I just thought maybe you could help us. I need to know...I need to be sure...I have to know that I'm doing the right thing here because if I can't be sure then I don't think I can do it. I need...I need a sign. Anything. I just need to know that this is the right decision. Please..." He burst into pathetic, wrenching tears, realizing how far he'd sunk. Praying to a God he didn't really think existed like some eleventh hour convert in an exploding mine, sitting on the floor of a dirty bathroom with blood and vomit covered hands and knees. But he asked again. "Please...please...please." And again and again. And he cried himself to sleep on the floor of that bathroom like a wounded child. end part 10 Eleventh Hour (11/11) Mulder woke with a stiff feeling in his joints. A feeling he wasn't used to anymore. He was hot and uncomfortable. Sticky. The bathroom. That's where he'd fallen asleep. No wonder he was feeling so disgusting. Nothing like sleeping in your own vomit and blood on a concrete floor covered in glass to give you a rejuvenated feeling in the morning. He wondered sickly what time it was, if he had missed his flight. Maybe he had. If he had, well maybe he could take that as the sign he'd been asking for. He opened his eyes slowly. Everything was fuzzy and bright. And yellow. Like sunrise. He wasn't on the floor. He wasn't in the bathroom. He jerked up, startled, and next to him, a woman sighed. He wasn't in the bathroom and he wasn't alone. "Mmm...Mulder, go back to sleep." He knew that voice. He would have known it anywhere. He turned to her and shook her naked back. Naked. She was naked. So was he. Little things started dawning on him slowly. This place they were, it wasn't her apartment, it wasn't his either. This bed they were in, it didn't seem familiar. He wondered if maybe he'd gotten wasted last night and dragged her to a motel. "Scully. Scully wake up!" She made an irritated grunting sound and turned to face him. She turned and she...she was Scully. She was really, really Scully. The Scully he had known. The Scully who had died. She looked exactly the same as she had the last day he had seen her, the day they had had that terrible fight. "Mulder what is it? It's too early." He noticed a mirror hanging opposite the bed. Their bed? He looked at their reflection. He was him. Forty years old again. And she was her. Naked. In their bed. "Scully what day is it?" She rolled her eyes and turned over again. "Go to sleep Mulder." "What year is it? Scully? What year?" "Mulder shuddup and lemme sleep. We've gotta go to work in a couple hours." Work. Where did they work? What state were they in? What planet?? For a minute he was sure it had to be a dream or hallucination. Then the next minute he figured everything else that had come before had been a dream. But maybe none of it was a dream. Maybe it was all real. "Scully, I'm serious. I need to know. What..." She sat up and turned to face him fully and the blanket fell, revealing her soft, beautiful body underneath. He couldn't finish the question. "Mulder, I'm serious too. Stop being silly and let me..." She drifted off and stared blankly down at his hand. He followed her gaze. The cross. It was the fucking cross, shining golden in the sunlight. "Mulder where...where did you find that?" She reached over and took it from him, turning it over and over in her hands. "I um...I don't..." "Mulder I can't believe you found that! I've been looking every...for years...I...." Tears started to flow down her face but this time she was smiling. This time they were tears of happiness. Suddenly she threw her arms around him, startling him. For a moment he didn't respond because he was so gripped with confusion and uncertainty. He still didn't know where they were, or what their lives were like, he didn't know what had happened in the past, what he had chosen, how he had gotten here. But as he felt her arms tighten around him, as her lips began tracing sweet kisses down his neck and arms, as she whispered "I love you so much", he realized none of that mattered much. He must have done something right because somehow, some way, he had ended up here. END! :) More ramblings from the author: Okay, that was the first idea for a fanfic that I ever had. I posted it a looong time ago as a challenge and nobody answered it as far as I know so I decided to take it on myself. It's my first attempt at a pre-Xfiles story and I'm a teensy bit uncertain about it. Any feedback, good, bad or ugly, would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading folks.